[Storyteller.]

Hi there,

Like the user above me, I'm not binary trans, but hopefully I can still be of some help.

Exploring your gender identity can be a scary and exciting thing, and beginning the process can definitely be a bit of a surprise if you've been raised in an environment where these kinds of things aren't talked about or supported. We have an article about it here, if you're interested, that might give you a good starting point and some things to take into consideration as you begin this journey.

The main thing I would recommend at this stage, given your age and family situation, is to prioritise your safety. Having to hide parts of your identity from the people around you can be frustrating and isolating, but it's better than potentially putting yourself in an unsafe situation by confiding in the wrong person. Like Dez said, it can be helpful to talk to your friends about this, as they might be able to help you experiment and figure out your feelings - but only if they're supportive of transgender people (and if you're sure that what you tell them won't get back to your mother).

Another thing to keep in mind is that there's plenty of time. You don't have to settle on a label right now, and even if you do choose one you can always change it again later if it no longer fits or you find one that feels more like you. A good way to start can be to try out different pronouns, labels, or even names around people you're comfortable with; this could be friends, family, or even on the internet. For example I came out tentatively on social media before telling anyone my new pronouns offline, and it was very helpful to let me get a sense of how it felt without having the feeling of commitment that I might have had by coming out IRL straight away. Maybe something similar might work for you.

There can be a lot of overlap between different queer identities, so don't be afraid to explore even further! Some trans men and women identify as nonbinary at first, some agender folks might consider themselves genderfluid for a while, some pangender people might start off with the label of gender neutral... There's a wealth of identities out there, which can be both intimidating and liberating, and it's totally okay to identify one way even if you're not 100% sure it fits. As you get older and learn more about yourself you may identify in a different way, which doesn't mean that you were 'faking' or even that you were wrong - you were true to yourself in the moment, and adjusted your labels when you had more information or insight.

It's also completely okay if you decide that you're not trans after all. It could be that this feeling of connection stems from something else - longing for a community, desire to live your authentic self, discomfort with the way others perceive you. There's no harm in exploring that avenue as well as the possibility of being transgender, so don't feel like the fact that you're questioning means that you have to lock yourself into a label. Some cisgender folks question their genders before returning to their original label, often with a renewed sense of confidence after their journey of self-discovery.

Regardless of what you decide in the end, it's a good thing that you're exploring this, and I hope the journey brings you clarity and community (if that's something you're after). Best of luck, and feel free to reach out whenever you need!