[FrozenRobot7]

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January of this year and this really took us all by surprise. Since then and all of the doctors visits I have learned more about the severity and how quickly everything is moving. It's stage 4 which was a big shock when I heard but now I have comes to terms with that part a bit (as much as I can at least).

The one thing everyone was banking on was the surgery. The tumor is operable and the doctors expressed some genuine confidence about being able to take out the majority of it and figure out treatment from there. It has been a long journey with trying to get sooner surgery dates and figuring out doctors but the plan was finally set and she was supposed to have surgery tomorrow.

But last week she went into the ER because her oxygen was very low. They didn't end up finding anything wrong and just sent her home. But, her surgeon (because she didn't check her email) wasn't aware of this until Monday morning and became hesitant to operate. While every single one of my moms doctors said it was better to get the surgery over with ASAP, her surgeon still canceled the surgery. She wants my mother to get a whole new team of doctors and essentially start this process over, pushing her so much farther back in the process.

At this point I am feeling more frustrated than anything with her surgeon and how everything played out, but I am also incredibly worried. Her cancer is progressing quickly and more time is the last thing this tumor needs right now. I worry that if this surgery doesn't happen soon that she will get too sick to even be able to fight this off.

My mom is my biggest role model and my best friend. My heart hurts so much for her right now and I can barely even begin to process what this lack of surgery means for her and my family. I want to be able to emote about it and get these feelings off my chest but I can't. While I know I have very large emotions about this topic I can't cry about it and feel very emotionless to the situation. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could make this feel more real/be able to emote about it? I so desperately want to be able to get these big emotions off of my chest and out into the open but it feels like there is some barrier there that doesn't allow me to do it.