[Celyn]

This is a really heavy topic with many different factors to consider.

Firstly, you have to understand the impact of trauma on a person’s life. Some people may feel traumatised to the point of not wanting sexual or romantic relationships and feeling triggered or disgusted by reminders. Others may find themselves going from relationship to relationship or sexual encounter to sexual encounter as if looking for love, safety or control. Or perhaps feeling that the love and sex is addictive. Others still may feel that the trauma they experienced may not have had much of an effect on them as other things have in their life.

For an adult, after having experienced trauma, it may feel like the world isn’t safe and you are a changed person. For a young person who is still developing, they may feel that they never really got to understand who they are and develop ‘normally’ without trauma.

Some people may resort to negative coping mechanisms to deal with trauma. They may self-harm, feel suicidal, drink, use substances, behave impulsively and may end up in risky situations. They may want to numb themselves from the pain or alternatively feel that they are already numb and want to feel, something, anything to feel alive. If they are female, have gone through trauma (particularly in early childhood) and display difficulties with relationships and behaviours they may then get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Males can get this diagnosis too but for some reason it is more often diagnosed in females.

In a class I was in, a guest lecturer who treats clients with BPD said that even though people with BPD experience extremely intense negative emotions, that they also experience love more intensely too. While BPD can’t be diagnosed until 18, if a professional thinks a young person may develop BPD the label ‘emerging BPD’ is used. Unfortunately, and what many people do not yet realise, neurodivergent (autism, ADHD etc) people, particularly girls, may be undiagnosed and are commonly misdiagnosed with BPD. This makes things more complicated because:

• Autistics are at an increased risk of social isolation, bullying, mental health difficulties, exploitation, and abuse.
• Neurodivergent people are more likely to identify as LGBT+ and other alternative/minorities e.g ‘goths’ and ‘emos’ and possibly less likely to meet gender norms and expectations of society.
• Neurodivergent people are more likely to ‘mask’ whether that’s copying others or hiding who they really are.
• Neurodivergent people are more likely to experience intense emotions.
• Neurodivergent people are more likely to be hypo or hyper sensitive to sensory experiences, including touch and physical intimacy.
• Those with ADHD are more likely to experience impulsive behaviours.

So, growing up, having experienced trauma, being diagnosed with BPD (and facing the stigma of the label) potentially not knowing they are neurodivergent, and realising how different they are from the ‘norm’ of society, relationships can be very tricky. While many young people will find themselves exploring sexuality, for someone with trauma, they may incorrectly assume that their sexuality is because of their trauma. This is also a common myth. If anything, it’s probably the other way around- they may be more likely to be neurodivergent, and more likely to be LGBT+ and unfortunately more likely to be at risk of abuse and exploitation. Of course, this isn’t to say that all neurodivergent people are LGBT+ or that all LGBT+ people are neurodivergent, or all LGBT+ or neurodivergent people have experienced trauma but it is helpful to keep this in mind.

College/university is often a time to explore sexuality and relationships. Some may find they have intense feelings for some one of the same sex. Some may find that they are curious about what it feels like to have relations with someone of the same sex. It may also be that society has over sexualised things further complicating the journey of understanding sexuality. A woman who is best friends with another woman to the point of intense feelings, the same intensity as in a romantic relationship, may start to question whether she is a lesbian. If feelings are reciprocated, they may then decide to explore their sexuality together. They may have experienced a strong emotional connection which they might not have experienced before and feel that they are a lesbian only to later find the same types of emotional connection with a man and now feel confused about their sexuality. Or maybe are told by others that they are a lesbian and may believe that and decide to explore a lesbian sexuality (are best friends really talked about in college or is the focus mostly on romantic and sexual relationships? It’s perfectly okay to have intense feelings with someone the same sex and yet not want to be with them sexually/romantically…but some people may mistake closeness for sexual/romantic attraction leading to confusion).

This isn’t just exploring it’s also learning about oneself. As a result, later, it may be that they once identified as gay or lesbian but are in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. They may have realised that they have intense feelings for the same sex but aren’t necessarily sexually/romantically attracted. It may be that they are bisexual instead. The reverse could be true too. It may be that others have told them being gay is wrong and so they found themselves trying to change their feelings (or mask their feelings) and be ‘straight’ in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender (just because someone is in a straight relationship doesn’t mean they actually are straight). Particularly if they are from a strict or homophobic family and perhaps were able to explore their sexuality away from home and yet may also feel pressured by family to find someone to settle down with. Another factor to think about is that neurodivergent people often find it easier to communicate with each other as opposed to communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical. It may be that while in a same sex relationship the other person may not have been neurodivergent or vice versa and perhaps the next relationship who happened to be the opposite sex was neurodivergent and they felt they had a better connection with them. This is less about the sex/gender of the other person. It’s also likely not related to trauma. It’s more about how sexual identities are fluid and can change.

Of course, there may be a very small minority of people who may be exploring lesbianism as a way of avoiding their trauma or men, or perhaps those who ‘act’ like a lesbian with certain friends to try to avoid or impress someone or just messing about. But that is highly unlikely.

So, those relationships that seem questionable on the outside…are they any less real or valid than someone who has always been a lesbian? Some would say yes, others would say no. In some ways it does differ in the sense that perhaps those who have always been sure of their sexuality are those who may not have experienced trauma, or who have more supportive friends and family or those who are just more confident in themselves and their identity. So the experience of sexual identity is different but this doesn’t invalidate someone who has realised they have a different sexuality to what they previously thought. Most importantly, we will never know the truth about the people you are referring to- only they will know the truth. We can spend all day speculating, but that's all it will be-speculation.

Personally, I don’t think it matters much and feel that sometimes we can get hung up on semantics and definitions. The feelings they had for the person are still real. A man who is in a straight relationship and later comes out as gay and enters a gay relationship…their feelings for the previous partner are all still real and valid. The same as the opposite where someone identifies as lesbian and then enters a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It doesn’t matter so much about whether they are a lesbian or bi etc as the feelings they had at the time were very real and being a lesbian, bi or not, doesn’t cancel out the real feelings held. All that really matters is that those who have gone through trauma get professional help (if they feel they need it), and those who are neurodivergent get diagnosed or realise this for themselves to get more understanding of who they are, and that they are in relationships with someone (regardless of gender or sexuality) who loves and accepts them for who they are (not in relationships where they are masking or pretending to be someone they aren’t).

As Eli and Drew have said, no-one can make someone a different sexuality and if someone announces they are one sexuality only later on identifies as another sexuality then that’s their choice based on how they feel and not based on the other person ‘changing’ them (regardless of whether they have experienced trauma or not).

Context/disclaimer: I’m not a lesbian (though other people have wondered that about me) nor bisexual. However, I have been through some trauma and have had many strong friendships and intense feelings with other women (and men). I’ve been told that I can be too obsessed or attached so I believed that and after reading so much stuff online thought I might have BPD or some kind of attachment disorder due to the trauma. Put myself through therapy and years later found out I’m actually more likely to be autistic. It’s refreshing to know that simply having intense feelings for someone the same sex doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian and having intense feelings for someone the opposite sex doesn’t mean I should be involved with them outside of friendship either. I’ve never questioned my sexuality but can easily see why a young person who has gone through trauma, who may or may not be neurodivergent, would have a difficult time trying to understand their sexuality. But I doubt trauma or other people have any influence over it and ultimately, if they do identify as different sexualities over time, their feelings are still valid.

Edited to add: Everyone's experiences are different. I was once looking at a thread on another forum for asexuals and aromantics. They were discussing the feelings of a squish (platonic crush) and physical (non sexual) intimacy. Every single person had a similar although slight different feeling and definition of a squish and what physical intimacy they would like with their squish. If members of one sexual identity all have varying definitions then this proves just how complex and individual sexuality and identity can be.