I'm really glad you decided to reach out, Taylah. It can be difficult or scary to talk about feelings and thoughts like this, and you are brave for feeling open enough to do so. I am glad you are here.

A phrase someone said to me once that I really resonate with, even to this day, is that "there's no suffering olympics." It's meant to mean that we shouldn't judge our own suffering because someone else seems to be suffering more, but I've found in my own life that it's taken another turn regarding what I like to think of as "internal suffering."

Objectively, there are situations in life where some people have it worse than others. Anyone who watches or reads the news regularly can see that. In some ways, I think that's a mistake, because for it to make news, I believe it can imply that's what "real" suffering looks like. But the thing is, suffering is an internal experience. It happens on an emotional and biological level, and when those wires get crossed, it can become complicated to sort out.

I know for myself I felt like I was suffering, but I knew even though bad things had happened to me, I at least had the support of family, a roof over my head, etc., things I knew many didn't have. Yet some of those people were still happier than me. I thought maybe I was selfish, or a bad person or something like that. But the truth is what was going on was a disconnect between my mind and body, and a lack of connection with other creatures.

I started feeling like I was suffering a lot less as I reached out more to people, especially in person in environments I felt were supportive and safe, and to start connecting more with animals, like my cat. He's my baby, and I've always loved him, but in the last year or so I've realized just just how much he needs me, and that was an eyeopening realization. At a time I felt I mattered to no one, I knew I at least mattered to my cat, and that was enough to get the ball rolling. Once I started feeling connected to him, and then to more of my hobbies and the things I loved, working more closely with a treatment team that felt supportive, and, finally, reaching out more to older friends and making some new ones (in Covid-conscientious ways, of course), I remembered that I am not as isolated as I had made myself out to be, and that isolation really does affect depression. Other work came later, but that was what started me down a better path.

I don't know if my personal experience helps you at all, but I can assure you, you are not waste of space or oxygen, and you deserve a chance to be happy and live. Depression actually alters the way the brain thinks, including short-term memory, and it can make it hard to remember things we love. Do you think you could maybe do one nice thing for yourself each day? Positive affirmations are a common thing to start with, but I know I personally struggled with those, because for me thoughts are harder to change than behaviors. So maybe you could focus on one simple thing, like stepping outside for a few minutes each day. Doesn't have to be long, just enough to get some fresh air. You could even open a window. Or you can think about things you like to read, or watch, or play, and engage in a few minutes of that. It might not seem "fun" at first, especially if it's been a while since you've felt any joy, and that might feel frustrating, but that's okay! Keep at it. Getting out of these patterns is not easy, but with slow steps forward you can get there. It won't be a perfect straight linear path out of the woods, but baby steps forward, even when you have to take a step or two back, will still get you somewhere other than where you are now.

I hope this helps give you some hope. Please don't give up on yourself, and keep trying. You matter.