Hey there, Shaunie, and welcome to TeenHelp. I see you've posted in a few places thus far. I am glad you are reaching out, and I am hoping you are finding some help in the responses you've received thus far.
Self-harm can be a very addictive behavior. When we self-harm our body often creates a rush of endorphins to cope with the pain we are causing to ourselves. The endorphins can be addicting from a physical standpoint and a psychological one, because it offers temporary relief from whatever emotion or situation we are feeling is too intolerable to endure without engaging in
SH. Unfortunately, like many addictions, it tends to build upon itself by creating guilt and shame in the after-effects, and the cycle continues.
You said something very astute in a post above: you hate your skin, but you'd hate it more if there were cuts on it, and that is most likely true. It's great that you are managing not to self-harm, or even that you just want to stop! But if you keep doing it, it's quite possible you'll become dependent on it to deal with difficult emotions and situations, and that's a very, very hard habit to break. My hope is that, whether you've stopped or are just even thinking about wanting to stop, you have some compassion for yourself. It's an act of self-care to desire to stop, even if it doesn't feel like it. I also want you to know that this behavior doesn't always go away, and that lapses and relapses can be common. As frustrating and upsetting as that may be, it doesn't reflect on YOU or mean YOU are a bad person, failure, whatever negative thing you want to tell yourself about yourself, etc.
Keep in mind that those are the thoughts that can lead to further self-harm, so if you can, it can be helpful to refute them or correct them with more positive statements. It may seem kinda like bull, but over time it can become more natural. For example, instead of saying "I am a bad person," you can say to yourself "I FEEL like a bad person, but I know I am trying my best to take care of myself." You may have to play around with what works for you as a refuting statement. Again, you may not be successful every time, especially in the beginning,
and that's okay. It takes time to learn a new habit, and even longer to break ones that have roots probably far back into our childhoods.
While reframing thoughts is often key to helping overcome something like
SH, in the meantime it's important to find skills to use in place of it, especially in times of intense distress when you are at the most risk. There are many, many skills to use out there; Emmie suggested some wonderful ones above! Not every skill works for everyone, and like reframing statements, you'll probably have to do a lot of trial and error to see what DOES work for you. I know for me what I found most helpful was implementing skills that are physical, like sudden, intense exercise (like running, calisthenics, intense dancing, etc.), something that quickly accelerates your heart rate and uses a lot of energy in and for a SHORT period of time. I also find it helpful to chew ice or hold ice until it melts, or hold a frozen orange. Changing your temperature suddenly can be helpful, because it cools your autonomic nervous system. A more intense version of this can be a cold shower, or sticking your face in a bowl of ice water and holding it there for a few seconds. Those are just a couple of the more "intense" skill examples, but you can do anything from watching an episode of a (NON-triggering) TV show to completing a puzzle to going for a brisk walk...the idea is that it's enough to effectively distract you until you aren't so focused on the urge to
SH that you're at a high risk of doing it.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to
PM if you want to talk or have any questions. You've got this.