[Thinking]

Thank you for your reply.

>> What we CAN decide is to create our own point. And honestly if you're gonna say there is a "point," it's that.

- Yes, and hence I am breathing today in hope I can fix the problem. I am depressed because all efforts are not paying off at the moment, and I do not know when, or if it ever will.

>> It also tells me you're probably pretty isolated, and isolation and rumination can worsen depression.

- At least I do not have additional stress and worries from other people. I think most people had bad experiences with others, it would not happen if they isolate themselves a bit.

>> Feelings are a part of life. They serve biological imperatives, all of them. They are why we have survived as a species.

- Love thrives to bring happiness to the people. Romantic love exists which makes us feel attracted to each other and reproduce. Indeed it is why we survived after many generations. Fear makes us alert of the danger of this world and made us actively avoid them. This also serves as our defense mechanism against danger. Just like pain receptors which makes us retreat. These emotions served their purpose that contributes to our survival.

But depression is certainly not one of them. I don't see any benefit letting this emotion survive in my head. If I can kill it I would. I can't, so at best I can only suppress them. This is why I could survive and still being highly functioning till today.

But I don't get to choose otherwise. It's all just to serve my purpose in this world to take care of my family. I can't be just depressed and ignore everything.

And having no choice is even more depressing for me, I don't get to choose.

>> You have chosen not to die.

- I don't get to choose to die. Being alive now is not my choice.

>> Personally I feel this is a good choice, because I do believe everyone deserves to live a life they find worth living, and to experience all that life has to offer to the fullest. That point aside, that is your choice. If it is, I think acceptance would be most beneficial.

- Yes, but it is only if the life is good. And no, some people don't deserve to live a life they find worth living, such as serial killers and evil people. They deserve nothing but death.

And some people who are in need kindness, are homeless, yet where are the people who gave them the warmth they "deserve"? Deserving of something means nothing to me, if its not yours, its not yours.

This is just how cruel this world is.

>> Move forward and start building a live you find worth living. Make your point.

- How? Especially when my life is tied to something lifelong that will hinder whatever I wish to pursue?

>> What you are doing now is not sustainable, so it will require change. Change is not easy, but it is essential to get out of your current predicament.

- Sustainable for life, or not, if that's the only thing left, then that's it.

There are people who served their responsibilities till death and they don't get to choose to abandon it no matter how much they hated it.

It is not a choice. You can be depressed or sickly or suicidal, it doesn't matter. The choice is never on your side and you have to fulfill what you must do before you die.

>> But you cannot spend life simply existing, breathing and consuming and expelling nutrients and waste. No one can.

- But there are such people, and they don't get to choose otherwise. Unless you intend to dismiss such cases, try not to say that no one can. They can, because there is no other choice left. Just like I can be alive today because I don't get to choose to die.

>> So do something different. Even just a small thing. It will require challenging yourself, and probably challenging these emotions you are currently suppressing.

- I am "living a life" on the outside, while in the inside I am waiting for my lifelong trial. Eventually I will have to serve my own prison. That's what makes me depressed. There is no way out of it no matter how "happy" I am in the present.

No matter how good or perfect I try to be, I am still not good enough to know a way to resolve it.

>> As an addendum, talking with people and "happy pills" are not bad things.

- My point about "happy pills" is this: We could have make everyone happy by isolating them in a prison for life, and feed them the pill everyday. They will be happy, but its useless without it. They would realize just how miserable their life is and the "happiness" is nothing but an illusion.

To make someone happy we have to go all the way to the root cause of their unhappiness. Why do doctors can't realize this and make "mental health" a medical issue instead? It is not as simple as "regulating your hormones back". Even if its balanced back today by the pills, it would be unbalanced again the next day, if the cause of unhappiness is still present.

>> There is a way to live. You just have to make the choice to embrace it.

- How? Well, I am not smart enough to figure out a way yet. The problem is unsolved so there is no way to be happy. If its resolved I will be happy the next day.

It is the same as a person who is in prison for life, will have nothing left for them but eventual death. The only thing they can embrace is the fact that they are going to live their life in their cell and die alone. There is nothing left for them, unless they are pardoned to be free.

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Once again, thank you for your response.