[Thinking]

Now I finally know what is "rational depression".

Even robots can feel depressed too, now I know why.

It really means being depressed even after you exhaust every part of your brain and still can't find a way out of it, and tried to ignore every negative feelings.

And yet the problems are still there and makes you worry/depressed every single day. Yes I cannot die, I must live, but it is no better than me saying I want to die.

In fact it felt much worse, just that I don't express it anymore and try to suppress it with rationality.

What is there to my life at all? I have nothing for myself and I can only sacrifice everything for others, so called "loved ones".

Moreover, what is joy to life at all? What is there this world can offer to me? I am not that self centered and I don't believe there is anything this world can offer to me, the world could choose many others instead, not just me.

I can only contribute to this cold loveless world. I don't want to. I hate this world.



I will take a few posts before this and refer to all the advices I have received so far in TH.

However:

>> People might not always understand or know how to help, but they will still care and want to support you in some way.

- What can they do to support, if they don't understand the situation? Yes I am a cold person, and hence I don't see how a few "heart-warming" words can help me feel better, when the lifelong problem is there permanently.

>> Asking for help is never a waste of time nor selfish

- If they can't help me, then I should tell them so so that they won't waste their time. If I keep asking for their advice while knowing they can't help at all, then its selfish to waste their time just to hear a few nice words.

>> I hope that you learn that it is okay to lean on others and ask for help when you feel low

- Okay, but as I said if they can't help then what is there to even lean on them for?

>> There will be ups and downs and moments where you feel you aren't getting anywhere.

- Ups and downs in life.. it sounded as if it will be better when you are at the bottom. But no one knows if they reached their bottom. What could go worse may not go worse, but what's scariest is the things that you least expect to turn bad, went horrendously.

>> There will always be people who want to help you, just have to ask the right person.

- Okay, what is the percentile of such "good people"? Even if they exist, there is a limit to their patience before they give up helping. They are only humans after all and is imperfect, and especially unpredictable when they use their feelings. Practical advices are better and that's why doctors exists, but they couldn't cure it either.

>> People want to help you

- So? Can they help? No.

>> Trust yourself and everything will work out for you

- Even if I am perfect, problems that exists won't disappear just because of faith. If I don't know how to resolve it, then it's delusional to trust myself that I know how to resolve it. Trust should be earned, and I don't deserve that for myself yet. In fact from what "professional" doctors telling me, the problem/disease is uncureable at the moment. Who am I to claim that I can cure it then?

>> Ending your life is not worth it.

- Yeah it isn't, but the alternative is worse. The worst part is I must choose the worse alternative and mustn't die. Neither options are worth it but I don't get to choose something that is more worth it.

>> If you feel lonely, try to spend a bit of time every day video calling or phone calling family or friends

- I suppress loneliness instead. Its my only option because what is family and friends? Family are legal burden and obligation. Friends is a completely useless system as they can come and go at any time - in fact they are meant to be so, as they build their own lives.

>> Staying in contact with other people might help get you through the days a bit more.

- It doesn't. The end.

>> I am here for you and chat with

- No thanks, what is there to chat about?

>> The development of communication means and technology and the pace of life that's now faster than ever. The relationships between people have become shallow

- Yes, I imagine in a few hundred years to come, everyone has their own private enclosed bubble, and that's where they live their entire life inside this bubble alone. They feel "happy" though because everything they need to satisfy their so called feelings, can be obtained virtually within that bubble. They are happy, zero friends & family, and just pure enjoyment.
Just that its virtual.

>> I know you've got certain interests. How about you tried to find people similar to you?

- What is interests? I have no time for that. Maybe that's why I am depressed. There is never time for myself. What about I become more selfish and ask for my wish to die to come true?

>> From my experience, there are always some people hanging around alone on gigs, so that's a great way to meet new acquaintances.

- From my experience, I will only stand there and not say a single word while people talk among themselves. I observe them talking and got bored and left after a few minutes.

>> I'm completely sure you'll find some good friends - just maybe somewhere else

- Where? How can I be sure of it? And even if I am sure of it, what's a good friend for?

>> Do you have a doctor or therapist/counselor you can talk to?

- Medication for depression? So are we going to create happy pills in future? When will these doctors realize that it will never be cured until the root cause is fixed? How about putting everyone in a bubble, and create a virtual world for everyone and make them happy living inside the bubble, and feed them with happy pills whenever they are depressed?
It doesn't work this way. Problems that caused the depression must be cured to its roots.

>> Your life is very, very important.

- Lies. Everyone is normal, only a handful few are exceptional, and a handful few are miserable. Good life must be earned with my own hands, if not then I can expect a miserable life. It is never important by default. Moreover my life is not a single bit important to everyone except my sister and my parents because they need me.

>> You're so kind and caring and you genuinely aspire for really amazing things.

- So what if I am? Then I deserve good things?
So what if I am cruel and cold? Then I should die?

>> I think you have a lot to offer, not just to others but to yourself too.

- I don't want to offer anything to this world, I prefer keeping it all for myself. Does that give me a choice to die? Why must I be kind so that I lose this choice to die, all because "I have so much contribution awaiting to provide"?

>> In the meantime, remember that you are your best companion, and no one else will see through all your days with you other than yourself.

- This is the first good advice I heard. I concur. No point feeling lonely about it as it won't help anything.

>> It's difficult when you have look after family, but someone should be looking out for you too.

- Should? Is there such a thing as "should" in this world? If its a "should" there would be someone there already.


Anyway, these are all of my questions/replies to the advices I received.

In short, I am depressed and I cannot die. Thank you.