Hey there, and thanks for reaching out. I hope we are able to help.

I feel a lot of empathy for you because you sound a lot like me when I first realized I wasn't cis. I was scared of it, I wondered if it was real or I was faking it, I wondered what it would mean, etc. Obviously I am not saying that you are necessarily trans or even nonbinary, because no one else can decide that for you. I am just saying these are questions that are common when people first start to question their gender identity.

I can't tell you what you are, but you are describing things that are not typical for a cis male. Body hatred is a huge one. It's also known as dysphoria. Some people have dysphoria for only parts of their body, or at least stronger dysphoria for some parts more than others, while others just feel discomfort about the whole thing.

I would suggest two things: first, if you can, talk to a therapist, especially one who is friendly to the LGBTQ community. They will be able to offer support and help you with these thoughts and feelings better than anyone else could. Two, experiment with some expressions of femininity that appeal to you in private. A longtime partner of mine was a trans woman, and she told me when she first started embracing her true identity she would try on skirts and "women's" clothes in private. I suggest maybe doing something like that, or maybe makeup, or whatever appeals to you; it's your journey.

Just so you know, there's no right way to go about this process. I jumped in relatively quickly with mine; I started testosterone injections only several months after realizing I was nonbinary. As time has gone on I've continued to grow, change, and explore, and I know there is so much more in store for me as I continue this journey. I wondered for a long time if this was the right choice, or if I was an "imposter" (I still have these thoughts). But I know if I wasn't trans I would not be so excited for the changes testosterone is causing in my body. Don't let people tell you that you are something you're not. Again, I am absolutely not saying you are definitely trans or nonbinary, because you are the only one who can decide that. I am just saying I think it might be worth exploring a bit.

Good luck. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I will offer what support I can. Take care, now.