[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I decided I would wait until this evening before I made my entry, because I needed time to ensure to myself that my dream, and my current reality was indeed reality. Last night I had a dream. One about coming out to my family as a transgender woman. It was stuck in my head all day. I always wondered why I wasn't born a woman, because femininity always called to me, even as a kid. Though now I find myself confused. Whenever I think of the possibility of possibly being Trans, I always get a reminder of "just how straight" I act so how could I be. Then I thought about possibly being non-binary, which left me in a spiral of confusion. With those options out of the way, I should be content with being a man, and yet the idea of it is repulsive to me. I've always hated my body, and that hatred of it only seems to grow. My thoughts begin to concern me, because I'm at a point where I can no longer believe my thoughts are justifiably those of a women, stuck in a man's body eager to escape, or a mentally ill kid creating delusions for himself. Is this all just me making this up in my head? Am I making it up as a plea for attention? What if my inclination towards being Trans or non-binary is really just a manifestation of self-hatred? What if in my haste to not be me, I am clinging to this idea of changing myself until I no longer recognize it?

This idea has me confused and emotionally drained. I want to talk to a therapist about these issues, because if anybody could discern personality from mental illness, then surely they could right? Truth is... I think I yearn for someone to tell me. Someone who can make all of the confusion go away, but likely nobody can. After all, this is a question of self right? So if I don't know, than maybe I never will. I wish I did, and I wish that the consequences of my eventual decision didn't haunt me eternally.[/size]