[NeuroBeautiful]

Hi Kate*,

I want to start off by saying that as someone who has a father who is similar to yours and have had therapists say similar things (acknowledging the dys functioning but suggesting I should just put up with it and give more chances...to which I exclaimed "chances don't grow on trees!" i understand how frustrating it is.

I think the first thing is that a good therapist puts their own persobal feelings of what excrptiond should be made for family aside and focus on the client's goals. That said, what is your long term goal? Some people want a break and return with limited contact and boundaries especially if there are kids involved who have good relationship with the grandparent (though in some cases there's more abuse and dysfunction that the kids experience directly). Others go no contact knowing it will "make waves" from family members but they know they don't plan to ever return contact and know this may mean losing other family members as well who wont respect the decision. Another thing people do is try to develop friends who are like a chosen family and have those kinds of events like fathers day etc with a new way of seeing it (ie: celebrating non biological father figures or fathers who broke the cycle of dysfunction and serves as a role model etc) And there's the fact that you have 2 stepmothers and one biological mother whom you can potentially deepen connection to...i mean I don't know your situation so I'm just throwing ideas. I don't know if this is for most people who go no contact but I find that I'm often longing for a family, a home, someone or somewhere that I can say "these people have my back no matter what". I have found temporary homes but none seem to be truly consistent and lifelong. I think that we can redefine family based on our goals so that our needs are still fulfilled without the toxic unhealthy stuff that can come with family you're born into.

I hope this is a helpful. Know you're not alone and that others are right beside you trying to figure it out too.