I have struggled with depression for many years now, but have never felt the way that I feel now. I don't feel numb like I usually do when in these "episodes" as I call them, but the reverse; I feel so many emotions and so much anxiety all of the time about my life and my future that I just want the thoughts to stop.
I have realized they do often stop when I am out with friends, but the second I am alone they come back again. I used to value my alone time so much, but now I can't stand being alone because then I am just left to stress and be anxious about my life.
I have felt suicidal before, and have even gotten close, but have never felt this serious about ending things. It scares me, because I know this part of my life will be over soon enough and I will be able to feel good again. But, this "episode" feels so much different than the other ones have and feels much more long and permanent, which makes living day by day so much harder.
I want to tell people around me, but I feel so bad doing so. Many of my friends and family around me have attempted/committed suicide in the past and I know how mentally difficult that can be, and I don't want to put that burden on those around me. I have a great support system, and I know my friends, family, and partner would understand, but I don't want to keep burdening them, I just want to take myself out of the equation and make everything easier.
I don't have a therapist right now because I am in between insurances, but plan on getting one as soon as possible. For the meantime, are there any other resources any of you know to help for the time being? Any resources or words are greatly appreciated
