[Everglow.]

Hi Fae,

First of all - welcome to TeenHelp! I'm glad you've decided to join and post and I hope that the responses and support you get help in some way.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with urges to hurt yourself more recently. When you've used a particular coping mechanism, good or bad, for so long it becomes so difficult to stop that thought entering your mind when you're triggered. I think it's so important that you've recognised you don't want to hurt yourself. It's amazing that you know you're worth more than that because you really are. Nobody ever deserves to feel like hurting themselves is the only way to deal with emotional pain. But you're right. It is hard to remember when things are bad. I find it helps me to actually say it to myself when I'm struggling. That might sound a bit strange, but even just mouthing the words 'I'm okay' or 'you're okay' helps me to refocus my mind away from the bad stuff, and it's a reminder to you that you're still in control of your actions. Perhaps you could try something similar? If saying it doesn't work, you could try writing something down. For example, of you're feeling like you deserve to hurt - which you don't - perhaps you could write a list of reasons which contradict that. Write down some things you've done well today, things you're proud of, times you made somebody smile etc. I find it helpful to use the forums for this too - there are plenty of discussions here which let you pick something which made you happy today. Maybe see if posting in these help you too?

It makes complete sense why you'd be tempted to hurt yourself at college away from where people might see. I would suggest any time you feel particularly triggered, and like you might act on your urges, try and be around people since this seems to be a deterrent for you. It doesn't have to be anyone in particular, especially if some people make you feel judged and undervalued. It could just be a matter of going for a walk in a park where other people are too, or phoning or video calling a friend and talking about something else entirely. Other people can really help. They stop you doing harmful things, but they also make you smile and laugh sometimes, and that's something to value too.

I'm really glad you posted here to try and get some support instead of hurting yourself this time. TeenHelp is lots of really amazing ways you can get support, so please feel free to use as many of them as you like. If you have a look here there's a tonne of alternatives and distractions for when you're struggling, and there's even a randomly generated one at the top too. When you're really finding it hard, have a look through this list and try a few out. Some will work and some won't, but hopefully they can get you through the urges and safely to the other side. You can also try coming along to the chatroom if you like. There's a support and advice room there where you can send a message, and if anybody is around they may be able to help you there too.

You can also PM me any time if you want to talk. I hope this helps a bit, and I hope you know you can do this. I know you're tired, but it's worth fighting through this.