[Mindfulness.]

So recently, my mental health has taken it's toll on me. This current lockdown is effecting me more than what I thought it was and with other factors, I have been struggling mentally, more then I would like to admit. I have lacked motivation to engage in things that I normally would enjoy such as reading and I have been lazy when it has come to my studies. Even though I am an essential worker and I still have been able to keep my full-time hours, I have fallen back into my depression due to not being able to see my family or friends as well as potentially catching the virus and passing onto other people. I miss being able to travel and to have my freedom to do what I want, to be able to catch up with people I care about. As much as I love my boyfriend and I thoroughly enjoy living with him, it's extremely difficult not being able to see my family or friends. I have started to crave alcohol and I have dramatically reduced the amount that I drink - so much so that I have surprised myself and haven't had alcohol at all for a very long time. I have felt better and am extremely proud of myself that I do not drink nowhere near as much as what I used to but I am terrified that due to lockdown and how I have been feeling because of it, I will start slipping back into my old habits that I have worked so hard to overcome. I feel a sense of frustration that I am doing the right thing but other people seem to feel like they can do whatever they please and break the lockdown restrictions, forcing the government to extend the lockdown due to the rising cases of Covid-19. Despite how I am feeling, at the same time, this lockdown has put my life into perspective. I have been able to rekindle my love of photography and I have had more time to catch up on things that I wasn't able to do before. I don't feel so tired all the time because I am not working so much and I have been able to spend more time at home and with my boyfriend. But I just feel awful. Probably the worst I have felt in as many years. And yet, no-one knows how bad I'm feeling because I can't seem to find the words or the courage to do so. I am pushing myself to ensure I keep my routine so I won't fall into my depression even further but it's getting harder to do so and my anti-depressants don't seem to be working as effectively as what they used to. I'm just struggling.