[Celyn]

I thought I was 'normal' up until high school when things started going wrong and I then thought 'something was wrong with me'. I didn't know what, but I didn't fit in, had no friends and got teased. When I was 16, I learned about sexual abuse and blamed that for me struggling (having previously experienced that as a child)- assuming that it was the root of all my problems. I thought that if I put myself in therapy, I could 'get better' and somehow go back to 'normal' and everything would be fine.

I didn't know about autism, not properly until a few years ago. I don't know for sure whether I am autistic or not, but due to the circumstances surrounding how I came to know of autism, in a way, it felt I was forced to realise that I might be autistic. At the start, it didn't seem too bad. I was excited to drop everything, all that I had been, and thought of who I could be and the person I could become if I embraced autism. That didn't quite go to plan as I revisited my life and memories, through the lens of autism and suddenly, everything felt worse. Much worse.

I never knew what support or accommodations I could've done with throughout school or life in general. Whenever someone says the word 'support' it feels like a word that gets thrown around, but no-one really knows exactly, in a concrete way, what it is. But what I have noticed, is that since realising there is a very good chance I might be autistic, I have begun to be a bit gentler with myself. After revisiting my memories, I know that I get really anxious when talking on the phone. Even after the phone call, I'll get anxious later on wondering whether I got things right or did they mean this or that etc. I used to get so anxious that I would get bad dreams and feel ill the day before making/receiving a call. Now, even though I don't have a diagnosis and don't mention autism, I just let people know that I prefer email. I've asked 3 different people from 3 different sectors, and they have all taken my preferences into consideration and have emailed me rather than called. Something simple like that has made a lot of difference because it has cut down on a lot of anxiety, not just anxiety talking on the phone, but also anxiety over miscommunication as well. It's only because of my understanding of autism, combined with my introspection and reflection on my life and memories and struggles that I've started to work with my strengths and ask for accommodations or workarounds for things I struggle with.

I admit, it does feel weird and I do think that maybe I shouldn't make a fuss and just find a way of dealing with anxiety related to phone calls or other things, but I've learnt that when things work for me, I can be happier/more productive as a result, and really, that's all that matters.