[Everglow.]

Hey Soda,

It sounds like you're going through some really worrying times right now, and I'm really glad you've posted here to reach out. I know you say you almost don't want to ask for help, but by posting here you're making an effort to do that, and that's really wonderful. I think it's really important to remember what only half of you wants to do these things you keep thinking about. The other half of you really wants to go on trying to fight this, and as hard as it is, that half deserves to be listened to. You're a really talented, kind person and you deserve a chance to get past this.

If you're at the stage where you're making plans, I would strongly encourage you to ask for help and listen to the parts of yourself that know it would be a good thing. If you're not ready to talk to someone you know, you could always try phoning a hotline, such as one of the ones here. There is always someone willing to listen, and I hope this can help you a bit.

I would suggest that if writing things in detail causes you to plan more, try turning your attention to things which distract you rather than things which make you pay attention to the dark thoughts you're having. For example, if you are able, try going for a walk in the fresh air to clear your head a bit, or read a book, listen to some music, do some colouring. For me, I find that having a long shower, putting on some good, happy music and singing along to it can help me to feel a bit better when I'm struggling, but you can try out many different distractions to see what works best for you.

I do think reaching out for help would be a good thing though. As much as parts of you don't want to, it's not a bad thing to need some help from time to time. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor and they may be able to help too. Either way, please know you can also message me any time you'd like to talk and I'd be happy to help too.