[Everglow.]

Hey,

Thank you for reaching out here. I'm glad you decided to keep your account so that you could have a place to come for help. I understand how you're feeling, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Sometimes your own head can be your worst enemy, so all the negative things you're thinking about yourself feel like they're true, but they're not. People would notice if you disappeared, and you definitely don't sound stupid, rude or selfish to me. You're human, which means that you're allowed to be weak sometimes, because being strong every day will eventually wear you down. It's okay to not be coping, especially if you're dealing with it all on your own.

Loneliness is a real issue for a lot of people, even younger people such as yourself. You're definitely not alone in feeling how you do. If there a way you might be able to reconnect with some old friends? Perhaps you could reach out and have a chat with them and catch up, maybe meet up for a coffee if you're able too. I know it's hard when you're disconnected from people your age, but there might be a way to rekindle old friendships. I have certainly done so in the past, and this has led to regular contact with a few people which feels nice. Otherwise, maybe there are some groups you can join in your area with people of a similar age. This could be a hobby group, such as a book club or a photography group, or even an online group on a safe social media page. I know that these can't fill every gap by not having people you consider friends right away, but it's a good way to make new connections with people you know you already have something in common with.

I am sorry to hear that people have spread rumours about you. It's not a nice feeling to feel that people are staring, and I have dealt with similar situations before. I know it is hard to pretend it isn't happening, but rumours tend to pass quite quickly as soon as something more interesting comes along. When you're out in situations that are causing you stress and anxiety, bring something along with you to keep your mind busy. For me, either reading a book or listening to music which makes me feel happy can help. I also tend to choose seats on the bus which cause me the least anxiety, for example I will not sit at the back of a bus when it's during the school run, because school kids make me anxious. Perhaps you can try using some of these tools to help you cope with the feelings you have when you're out.

I think calling the crisis line was a good thing, and if you're struggling - especially at 3am if you have nobody to talk to - I encourage you to use them. These tools are there for people who need them, and it's okay to utilise whatever you need whenever you need it, to ensure you're safe. I would maybe suggest talking to a doctor too if you feel like you're unsafe. If you're having any bad thoughts, they might be able to direct you to somewhere that can help you learn how to cope with these and guide yourself through a tough time.

Otherwise, please know that TeenHelp is here for you any time. Feel free to post as often as you need, or message me any time you want to talk. You don't have to go through this alone. I know it's hard, but you're strong and there is help out there.