[Everglow.]

Hey,

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but it's so great that you've reached out for help because fighting this alone is never a nice feeling to have.

A lot of what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me, especially when you say you feel like nothing gives you lasting happiness. I think Jessie put it really well, in that nothing lasts forever and everything eventually passes. I think sometimes, when we're in a bad place there's a tendency to really feel the bad things a lot more strongly than we would if we were in a better place. I know that I often feel this way too. For me, it was helpful to have somewhere I could turn to when I forgot that good things existed too. Could you perhaps prepare yourself a bag or box of feel good items or activities which you can turn to when things are too much? This could include your favourite book, a colouring book, a pretty note pad and your favourite pen, and even some nice memories such as photographs, memorabilia of happy times etc. That way, you have a dedicated space where only good things are, and when you're really struggling to find light at the end of the tunnel, you can turn to that.

I know these good feelings won't last forever. Maybe, though, you'll get a couple of minutes of happiness thinking back on a memory you shared with family, and it'll be enough to remind you that good things have happened and do happen, and that they'll happen again. It might also help you remember that bad things will happen, but they will also pass, and even if you're not happy 100% of the time - and who is? - you're also not going to be sad forever either. And that's worth being alive for.

I also completely understand what you're saying in that sometimes, small mistakes add up and become catastrophes. I'm very self critical, so this is something I identify with a lot. I have been trying really hard to have a conversation with myself in my head when this happens. For example, when I make a silly mistake at work and I catch myself thinking 'I hate myself' or 'I'm so stupid', I'll argue back and say 'no, but mistakes happen, and that's okay'. That's not to say I always believe myself, but I do find that it helps me to be more rational, and sometimes it helps me to calm down a bit and cut myself some slack. Perhaps this is something you can try too.

Your time is absolutely not running out. I heard something really interesting the other day. Somebody said "I don't want to die, I just want things to stop". Could this possibly be how you feel too? If so, I would definitely recommend reaching out for some support, because while you can't stop everything bad in its tracks, you can definitely share the burden with other people. Is there a reason why you have to pretend to your mum? Perhaps you could reach out to her and explain that the rubbish day you're having just doesn't seem to stop happening right now, and that you need support with this. Equally, you might end up being able to access additional support, such as from school counsellors, therapists etc. None of these are a bad thing, and support in going through a bad time is a really good way to deal with things in a healthy way, especially if you feel like you might be at risk of hurting yourself.

Please don't ever apologise for ranting. We're here to listen, and you can come back and talk about anything you like whenever you need to. My inbox is always open if you want to talk as well.