[Storyteller.]

Hey there, and thanks for reaching out to us here at TeenHelp!

What you're describing is actually a reasonably common experience for transgender/nonbinary people, especially those who come out later in life (i.e. as adults rather than adolescents or teenagers). Some people just don't think too much about their gender identity, especially if they're in a situation where things like this aren't openly discussed or taught, so the trans (I'm using this as a blanket term to include all binary and nonbinary identities, although of course some nonbinary people don't also identify as transgender) experience can range from having always known to suddenly having an epiphany to having a slow realisation that maybe you're not the gender you were assigned at birth. Regardless of how you get to where you are, exploring your gender identity - and, if it feels right, putting a label on it - can be an exciting, affirming, and, yes, confusing journey.

The good news is that not experiencing dysphoria, especially in the sense that most people mean it, isn't actually a problem at all! Despite what many medical professionals and a lot of the general public think, the trans experience is not defined by suffering or even discomfort. You don't need to actively hate or feel miserable with your assigned gender in order to know that you're actually a different one - the same way you don't have to be in physical pain to know a piece of clothing isn't the right fit, or in mental anguish to know that you don't like the class you're taking. If you feel more comfortable identifying as a different gender, that's all it takes to not be cisgender. You can be happy with your body or unbothered when people perceive you as your assigned gender at birth (AGAB) without it making you any less trans.

Your questions definitely aren't stupid, and are things that a lot of trans people wonder at some point in their journey. You're not taking anything away from any dysphoric nonbinary people, or anyone else within the LGBTQ+ community by asking these questions or having these thoughts. It's completely okay to not be sure yet, and to take some time to figure things out. If you want to try a different set of pronouns, or a different name, or style of dress, or anything else - you're allowed to just do it. Doing so isn't a definite declaration of your gender identity, and it's not locking you into a label you'll have to use for life. You can try things out without committing yourself to them forever, and that can actually be a really good way to learn more about yourself and about what makes you feel good. You can always change again, or go back to your original name/pronouns/etc if you find the changes don't work for you.

As far as transitioning goes, whether or not it's worth it is a very personal decision. That said, I do want to stress that you shouldn't have to settle for not that much grief when you can aim for, as you put it, feeling safe and comfortable. You don't have to put up with being treated/perceived as your AGAB if it would make you happier to identify as another gender. The fact that you're apathetic about your AGAB and you mentioned feeling euphoric when people aren't sure of your gender suggests that it's entirely possible you might be nonbinary, although it's up to you as to whether you want to claim that label (whether temporarily or more long-term). Everyone's journey and experience of gender is different, and the way you approach yours isn't going to take anything away from anybody else. Do what feels right for you, regardless of what society has told you about what being trans is supposed to be like.

I hope this was helpful, and I wish you all the best in your journey of self-discovery! Feel free to reply to this or make a new thread if you want to discuss any of this further.