[Soda_Voxel]

Today has not been a good day, however just now I had a pretty interesting revelation about my autism and I wrote it down, and it made me feel a bit better about it. It's a bit long and I'm just pasting it because I posted it on another site first, but it means a lot to me and it made me feel good so I figured I'd put it here too. However if it's in the wrong section please move it!

Autism can be a massive struggle and I often experience internalised ableism, self hatred, dark thoughts etc. It is extremely difficult to process the world in such a different way, to not understand conversation or instructions, to be overwhelmed by seemingly nothing.

However it can also be such a gift at times. Just as I can be made incredibly sad and frustrated from tiny things, sometimes such simple and small things bring me such joy. I see my special interests and sometimes my heart just swells with love and joy and laughter and smiles and hope and the thought that maybe these things are worth staying alive for.

The sight of a caterpillar sitting on a leaf. A new Philza video. A bird song that I can identify by memory. A lyric from a song that was satisfying to say or particularly spoke to me. An OC I've made that I'm particularly proud of, a character from something that makes me laugh and brings me comfort. Something I did or built well in Minecraft. A dumb video that made me laugh, a beautiful bird I saw outside. A song or band or artist that I love so much. The sparkly, glittery pins-and-needles feeling in my hands when I flap my hands from joy, the forcefield surrounding my body when I swing on a swing, the spacey floating sensation when I bounce on a trampoline. My body feeling warm and yellow and orange and cosy as I rest with closed eyes in the Summer sunshine.

Being listened to, understood, accepted. Not being cast out for stimming, for being overwhelmed, for being upset by strange things, for having obscure or obsessive interests. People enjoying my spewing of random special interest facts or references to things I enjoy littered throughout the conversation. Respect, support, love.

The simplest things can make me so happy and, while I admit I do struggle and do feel sad more often than I do happy, there's so much that actually feels good. And I hope one day I can experience these things more and more with less of the sadness and hopelessness that so often plagues my mind.