[Everglow.]

Hey there,

First of all I'm really sorry that you've had to go through all of this, and I really feel for you in that you're struggling to adjust your mind to seeing things from a new perspective. I understand why you feel like it's your fault, but I want to repeat what Sarah has said above. This man knew that he was significantly older than you, and more importantly that you were under age. The age gap itself isn't the issue as many adults, who are of age, have very happy relationships with large age gaps. The issue here is that you were under the legal age of consent. And he knew that, yet perused you anyway. Please, never ever feel like you're in the wrong here. Yes, you know now that this relationship was not a good one, but when you have feelings for someone that doesn't always register. You broke no laws. You didn't take advantage of anybody. He did. And I'm so sorry that you've had to come to terms with that.

You have said that you want to apologise to your friends, and I do think that talking to them is a really good idea, but I would encourage you to talk to them honestly about how you're doing too. At the end of the day, you can't help how you've felt towards this man. Your friends were definitely right in pointing out the issues with this relationship, and it sounds like they could be a really good source of comfort while you're dealing with this. Don't be afraid to lean on them when you need it. You don't need to do any of this on your own.

Sarah also suggested speaking with the police, and this is an option too if you choose to go down that route. Depending on what country you're in, the procedures may work differently, but you can maybe do some research into what will happen if you report it. If you choose not to, then that's okay too. It's your decision, and if you don't feel like it's the best way for you to deal with this, then that's okay. It's your choice. But I would recommend trying to find some help in other ways by speaking to a counsellor or somebody you trust who can help you rationalise your feelings and redirect the hurt you're feeling away from yourself, because none of this is your fault. Just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean you're a perpetrator here. You don't deserve to be angry with yourself for something he had the knowledge and insight to know better than.

I know that dealing with the feelings you have is going to be hard, and a lot of the time it's difficult to deal with them because there's so much negativity in your mind. I would advise trying to find a way to organise your feelings. Maybe you could use writing, or drawing to get how you feel out of your head and onto paper. You could write poems, or journals which nobody else needs to see unless you want them to, and it might help you to creatively and healthily understand how you feel.

You can also have a look at the Resources page here on TeenHelp to see if anything here might offer you some extra support or advice on coping with this. There are some really useful links there, and they might have some extra information for you. The Hotlines page might also help if you're struggling to find people who you can talk to without fear or judgement. Please don't feel like you can't reach out and discuss this. There are people who can help you.

I'm sorry again that you're dealing with this and I can't imagine how you're feeling, but please know we're here for you, and you're not to blame at all. Be kind to yourself, you're not in the wrong.