[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]It can be hard to admit you're wrong. I've been in denial about this for a long time. But what I did was wrong. It was a mistake. It was not anyone else's fault but mine, and I KNEW better. I was just... in denial. My (now 15M but at the time 14M) boyfriend (32M) broke up with me some time ago. I knew it was wrong all along.... We sort of got into a fight. I left on a trip and I told him I wouldn't be able to contact him for a few days. Then he got mad at me for not answering his calls and texts and accused me of cheating and not actually caring about him... hes sort of clingy sometimes. I told him that I literally couldn't text him because my parents were constantly around when we went on our trip. He said that if I cared I wouldve found a way... anwyays he broke up with me. It hurt my feelings a lot if I'm being honest... but I think I need to stop thinking with my feelings and think with my actual brain. And the more that I REALLY think about it...the more that I read through the messages my friends sent me when I told them about him and the people online saying that he should be "in fucking jail"... the more it began to go through my thick skull and into my brain that this wasnt a good idea. This relationships was a mistake and it's good that its over. But he shouldnt be in jail like people say. They see the age gap and assume that he was at fault. No. It was my fault. I was the one who hit on him in the first place. I flirted and stuff... I started this whole mess. When he asked for nudes I never said no. I was stupid, I didn't set any sort of boundaries... I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to keep him in love with me. At the time I didnt see anything wrong with it. I saw he was twice my age and went "okay and?? So what? I'm mature. I know what I'm doing." Anyways I was wrong? I didnt know what I was doing. Now when I read my friends messages that say "holy shit, he's twice your age" it feels like being stabbed. I heard those words before, but they didnt really sink in and now that he's left me and I've had some time to think...the words DO sink in and they hurt. I've sort of come to realize that he never was in love with me... he was just faking it to get a steady supply of pics and vids of my body :/ which is sort of upsetting now that I realize it... like it makes me feel all gross and sick inside. I'm going to do better in the future. I think I rely on other for validation and appreciation too much. Obviously if nobody's going to give me the love I feel I need, and nobody's going to treat me with the gentleness I feel I need, I'm going to have to adapt. And this lack of parental love is something I was trying to make up for when I hit on this man. And it was something he found easy to... prey on? It feels weird to say it like that because I'm still getting used to seeing him in this new light... as a bad dude. It really was my fault overall tho, if anyone is in the wrong here it's me. Obviously, this sort of thing is kinda dangerous and I have to find a way to live without that love and validation and all that bs. I'm basically an adult now, or at least my life is treating me like I am, so I need to make better decisions. The first step of that is admitting that I made a mistake. I made a mistake. It was a bad decision. I did this to myself, I was both the victim and the perpetrator... and what did I gain? A temporary feeling of love and then a sickly realization that a 30 year old man saying he wants to fuck me so hard I cry isn't love. Jesus christ. We only dated for two months and I feel so fucking SICK inside. I guess I'll just be more cautious in the future... and I'll listen to my friends. They mean well, and I'm gonna tell them that I'm sorry for being so mean when they were only trying to help. I made a mistake. And god, I'm so sorry. I honestly wish I'd never done it. I wish I had used my fucking brain. Deleted everything to do with him off my phone... but I still feel really gross and like... contaminated in my insides. Like I'm dirty and I'll never get clean. Now what? What steps can I take to feel a bit better, and to stop thinking about it? It sorta plagues me now. I made a mistake and I just want to forget about it. Please help me.[/size][/color][/font]