[NeuroBeautiful]

and I'm in a better place on so many levels. But it seems like depression still lingers. The aloneness and isolation I feel can be unbearable. The desperate need to feel validated and heard and mostly loved.


My biological family consists of many wounded people upon wounded people. My father in particular has not been good to me in very deep sharp cutting ways. Not something I can easily move on from.

I have been a member here a while, was active starting in summer of 2012. For those of you who knew me back then, you know how deeply i had suffered. You read my poems, my blogs, etc. You remember when I finally left home for good. You know I'm not exaggerating. You witnessed my darkness and my overcoming of darkness. Teenhelp is the single consistent space that saw me through from 2012 to present day. I've met many great people, organizations, resources etc along the way but Teenhelp has been the one to be there the entire time.

I come here because I need ways to affirm myself, to validate what I went through. I'm still so badly suffering from my self doubt, from internalizing questions and judgments.

I need to accept that having a relationship with any of my bio family members means light hearted topics only, no mention of my trauma history, setting boundaries, taking time to de-stress after conversations no matter if in the moment the conversations went well because it is draining to be around people who don't support the deepest most hurting parts of myself, letting go of expectations of what family should mean and realizing the closest they can get is the equivalence of a friendly acquaintance, and mostly reminding myself I left for a reason.

I'm not a snob
im not a spoiled brat
I'm not exaggerating how bad it was
I'm allowed to name my experience as "unsafe"
I'm allowed to leave even if it were only emotionally unsafe
I'm not obligated to be in contact with family
I don't owe them explanations
I am not a dishonest person even though I had to do secretive things in order to leave
it really was that bad. I'm a reasonable person and wouldn't make an impulsive move like that
I planned it out with the help of two social workers and others backing me up
it makes sense my extended family was confused because they didn't know the details and it appeared abrupt but that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice
People being confused and curious doesn't make what I did wrong
I'm not bad for leaving my cat behind. It is what I had to do (this one hurts so intensely)
Just because someone else has different standards and limits on how bad it has to get before they leave doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad for leaving according to when it was my ultimate limit.
My sisters and father might've not been present on the day I left and did not know I was planning to leave but that doesn't mean they were good to me. It could be that they're truly unaware of how awful and disgusting they've been to me and got desensitized to how much they've broken me down


I'm lovable and deserve love and I'm not a bad person


ughbhhh why am I having such a hard time with this? I am struggling so much. I been crying almost the entire day over this.



If you remember me from pre-escape (before June 10th 2018) and have words of affirmation and encouragement please share or private message me. I have been suffering even while seeing a therapist and still living at home and these feelings of guilt and shame seem to be following me around.