[Everglow.]

Hey there.

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp and congrats on your first forum post. I hope you find the support and advice you're looking for here.

I'm sorry that you've been dealing with suicidal ideation and thoughts for so long. It must be incredibly exhausting to have to deal with this, and I completely understand a lot of what you're saying here. Sometimes, things like depression don't necessarily stop you functioning. There are a lot of people who struggle with similar thoughts and feelings, who have full time jobs, friends, a social life etc, but privately are going through some pretty tough things. Please don't ever feel like just because you're functioning, it means you're not entitled to help. You are. The fact you're thinking these things, and in some cases to excess, means you deserve support.

There might be small things you can do in the moment to make you think differently when you're having bad thoughts. For example, when you walk into a room and see things you could hurt yourself with, try and challenge yourself to also look for things which might make you smile instead. For example, when I'm out walking or on the bus and I get a bit anxious or overwhelmed, it's easy for me to focus on noise, crowds, aches and pains etc, so sometimes I will force myself to look at nicer things too. I'll take note of nice weather, pleasant music, a nice smell. It's a small thing, but this way it challenges you to change your thought processes and not purely focus on the bad parts. You can still acknowledge that these are thoughts you are having, but try to tell yourself that they're not the only thoughts you're capable of. Challenge your perspective a little bit too.

I think leaning on your support group is a really good thing too. You mentioned that you'll sometimes call someone and end up talking about random things. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Any distraction, as long as it is healthy, is better than acting on a bad thought. Even if you don't feel ready to talk about the hard stuff, it's so good that you call people to distract yourself when you need it. Maybe try some other alternatives and distractions too for when you're struggling, such as taking a walk, breathing exercises, or writing down how you feel. You can find some more options by clicking here too. Try a few of them, something there will hopefully help you when you're struggling.

Please never feel like you can't talk to someone because you're seeking attention or being dramatic. If talking to someone is what you need, you have as much right to that as anyone else. I think given the fact you've been struggling for so long, reaching out might be really helpful for you. If you have a relative, or a trusted teacher, maybe start there? Maybe your school has a guidance counsellor too who you can reach out to. There are loads of options, and posting here is an amazing first step. I hope that it helps you to realise that you are allowed to ask for help, and that you deserve it too.

I hope you're doing okay and hanging in there. You definitely deserve to live and not feel unable to be supported. Keep your chin up.