[Gris]

Ok so trigger warning for suicidal ideation. I don’t have any diagnosis or anything but I’m posting here because suicide is a current thought. Since I was 6 I began to feel sad for no reason, but when I was 10 I began to have suicidal thoughts for the first time and from then on every single day I think about it. It’s been 6 years and there’s not one day it doesn’t cross my mind. I walk into a room and look around at the objects and just imagine myself killing myself in different ways. Because of these thoughts I’m not like the happiest person and it’s noticeable at first glance, people tell me I look like a ghost, walking around like a zombie, I looks so tired or irritated, they’re probably not wrong and I probably look very unnaproachable. Despite this, I have never told anyone about these thoughts because I’m so bad at talking about my feelings. I just bottle everything up. Some days I’ll think about killing myself excessively like I can’t think of anything else, but they day after I’ll be fine in comparison. The thought is still there just less. Because some days I feel way better than others I feel like the days that I do bad is just me over exaggerating and it makes me think I shouldn’t try to get help since there nothing wrong ,right? Like I just think these thought but I’m mostly functional and I hide it exceptionally. Everyone I know tells me they thought I was so sad and angry before they met me but when they get to know me they realize I’m the most talkative and fun person ever. In my mind I wish someone noticed, but it’s my fault they don’t, even if they did notice I would be freaking out and not say anything. Everytime someone asks me anything about it like if I’m depressed or something I start shaking and my heart starts beating so fast I just can’t talk about it. When I was 14 I started genuinely thinking about killing myself like before that it was just ideation but st 14 I was ready. The only thing that stopped me was my family potentially finding me, if I’m gonna do it I want my body to go missing I don’t want anyone to find me, or the embarrassment of surviving. Anyways, now it’s the same but my appetite has been going down, I’m tired and everything but I’m functional. I get average grades and I don’t distance myself from people, on the contrary, everytime I feel really intensely to do something crazy I feel the urge to tell someone everything so I call anyone, but then back away and just end up talking casually. Because I’m doing pretty good in life I guess I feel like I’m just trying to get attention by having all these thoughts and if I get help I’ll just take the spot of someone that actually needs help instead of me that’s just being over dramatic. Yeah that’s it.