[Jennaholt]

Yes, I know I got it of it last time. I can't imagine it possibly getting any worse than that. So when I'm feeling slightly okay, I remind myself that I can get through another episode if it comes to that. But this is not how I want to live, always on the look out for depression and assessing whether it was one bad day, a momentary sadness or it there's more to it. I'm tired of thinking and I'm tired of having to deal with this. I know that I should deal with it and that things will get better but I haven't had a break in months. Even when I try to isolate myself in the hopes that I wouldn't have to deal with other's shit, something comes up with them out of the blue. For example, last week, a good friend of mine made very homophobic comments out of the blue. I'm bisexual. We talked about it but it ended pretty badly. He was one of the few people I kept in touch with. I don't wanna talk to him anymore either. And the activity that I said helped me was something we did together. And when I see him, it makes me feel sick to my stomach.


As to what triggered it, I have a lot of self doubt. I was abused for years by a boyfriend. And while I was dealing with that, after the relationship ended, I had an abusive professor. That was the year long episode.

Another professor triggered it by saying some things and making me question myself recently. Since then, I've been feeling quite useless. I've been doing things I never thought I would do and I'm surprised by myself. These things should make me proud. But I don't feel good about myself at all.

As for therapy, I don't really have time for that right now. And my therapist has a busy schedule so it's been difficult to get a session. And a part of me doesn't wanna go back because I'm tired of having to deal with this day in and day out. As unhealthy as it sounds, I'm just tired.