[Jennaholt]

I have a history of depression. First episode was around 10 years back. And then 3 more after that. It only got significantly worse each time it came back. And it would last longer than the previous time. My last episode lasted almost a year and I nearly killed myself.
After I got out of that episode, I tried to do things that made me happy and tried to keep triggers at bay. It worked for a while. I found something that I thought would pull me back up if ever I get depressed again.
But recent events have changed that. Since December, I haven't really been in touch with most of my close friends, as it felt like I was the only one putting it effort. January I started isolating myself because there was too much going on and I didn't even have time for myself. I knew I wasn't dealing with my issues well and I didn't want to, I had kind of gotten addicted to being happy or at least a false sense of happiness. "If I didn't deal with my issues, I didn't have any."
And then something happened that triggered my depression again. I didn't see it coming because the signs were all different this time. That lasted for a month. I completely cut everyone out, I cried all the time or slept a lot. I hurt myself. It went away by itself.
And then I had 2 good weeks. Today.. no reason. But I feel depressed. I don't know if it's a depressive mood or whether my symptoms are still present. I'm scared but also tired. I don't wanna go through this again. I don't care about getting better if it happens again. I'm tired.