Hi! So I'd like a little advice. This is another long one but I've tried to make it engaging to read. So if I could get just a couple people interested enough to help a guy out?
I feel a low down is in order.
So I've been reading a lot of queer literature and watching queer films (Well not many of those cause of my mom, more on that later). My friends have traditionally always been girls, and many were members of the LGBTQ2S+ community.
I've always been the guy friend. The quiet, shy awkward one. The one you kinda thought was gay himself.
I've been told many times before I have a "gay" personality by those friends, and I've done things like worn eyeliner mostly as to joke to school concerts (Best year in my life, playing bass in that band
) and organizing queer dances at the school. But I've always considered myself straight as I'm usually only turned on by females.
I'm feeling different about that. I've been wondering (Questioning is too big a step) for about a year.
I saw a video of myself dancing and was struck how... gay it was. I don't know any way to describe it. It looked so natural and right and I felt something half-familiar swell up in my chest. Like a... pride. And I thought about how confident I would feel, how right it would be to depart from the straight, rigid path I'm walking.
Why I'm struggling? Well. What would my mom would think? She's been my best friend in the past but we've fought about this. She doesn't approve of who I choose as friends. At best I could expect her to assume it was a phase. Or kick me out. But she's already letting me know I'm not welcome much longer at sixteen so...
I'm concerned it really would be a "phase". But then, I think hard and realize I kinda felt like this for a long, long time.
I've found guys attractive before. Found myself wanting to be around them. But, I never have "dirty" dreams about another man. I don't imagine myself ever being sexually attracted to one. I've read that you can be sexually attracted to some genders and only romantically or emotionally to others. So... maybe that?
And I wonder if it's just a real need for intimacy of any kind. Do you know anyone who can be alone in a crowded room? That's me, too. I have never really had close guy friends. And I'm just a really, really lonely person. I can feel it like a hollow tunnel in my chest. And I do have some trauma around sexual relationships so I wonder if it's like that... some aversion to intimacy with women.
Anyway.
Anything that you (anyone) would think could help, please! I'm just throwing this out there. Thanks so much for reading the whole thing through, I know that in the age of scrolling if something doesn't hook us in the first five words, we give up. And if it's long, we give up then too. It's sad but that's life, there's too much to read out there.
Thank you thank you thank you!