[Rivière]

Growing up, I used to think that I deserved to be unhappy. I used to think that my severe unhappiness was because I needed to be punished for the way I was behaving. I thought the things I said to people were bad, and that I wasn't a nice person. I expected far too much of myself and thought I deserved to be so unhappy that I didn't exist. I felt like I was being punished and I deserved it.

I used to struggle with suicidal thoughts quite often. Every time something bad happened, the same thoughts would trigger over and over. I wanted out. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes the thoughts were so overwhelming and trying to fight back was exhausting. All I could think was, 'Why me?'. I didn't have a great life growing up, and that contributed to how I felt. Little things would add to the pile. A bad day at school. A friend refused to speak to me and not say why. I did badly in class. My home life was a mess. I felt like it was too much. I couldn't cope.

At the age of 18 I ended up in hospital for my 7th suicide attempt. I still remember being there with tubes sticking out of me. I remember the nurse speaking so loudly to her colleagues about an 18 year old female who attempted suicide. I remember the old lady on the bed opposite me looking at me. It felt like she was staring into my soul. I felt so ashamed. There she was struggling for her life while I just tried to take mine away. I've never attempted since.

The point I'm aiming to make here is, life is extremely difficult. It always will be. We go through ups and downs. We feel like we should feel X or Y feeling because we think we deserve it. We think we're meant to feel this way. We're not. The feelings you go through are temporary. They will subside. Your school situation is temporary. You're not going to be in school forever. You're going to finish school with great grades and you're going to look back on the hard times and realise just how strong a person you really are.

Have you considered chatting to someone about how you're feeling? Don't go through your feelings alone. Think about chatting to a friend, family member, or someone else. If you're not comfortable speaking with them, there are others you could consider chatting to such as those found here. In the event you feel suicidal again, please don't hesitate to contact one of the hotlines Hollie has linked. Your life is important.