There's a movie I like a lot, called To The Bone. I do NOT suggest watching it if you have an eating disorder or struggle with disordered eating. However, without giving too much of the plot away, at one point the main character asks her doctor what the point of all this is (all this being life). And he said something that some might find shocking: there is no point.

I am an atheist. I don't believe in God, or luck, or karma, or anything like that. I don't believe the divine put me here, or that I have some purpose in the universe. I may get in trouble for saying this, but it's what i believe, and it's what i believe about everyone else.

So no, there is no point. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't live. In a way, it's even more exciting, because you can forge your own path, without doing it for someone else, or questioning your "purpose."

That probably sounds stupid, I know. But two years ago I had *very* similar feelings to you, regarding the point of life and death. I felt ruined and angry that I was still here, despite just wanting to stop breathing. In the end, though, I am glad I didn't, or I wouldn't have found myself. I came out at trans last year and started transitioning, and yes, it's hard, especially when people don't accept me. But if I had died, I never would've realized the truth about myself, or come into my own. I never would've met some amazing people. I never would've learned I can stand on my own, that I can overcome adversity, that I am hardy and resilient. These are the things I discovered, and I am damn glad I lived because otherwise I would've missed out on so much joy.

I understand things suck right now, and I am sorry you don't have a solid support system. Do you have a school counselor to talk to, or maybe you could write your parents a letter letting them know what kind of support you need? You're very intelligent and insightful to realize you need help, and I hope the obstacles to getting it don't deter you. You are human, you have value, and you deserve to be able to create your own way. I promise that it does get better, especially once you're an adult and can make some of your own choices. Please don't give up. In the scheme of things, life is short enough. Why not try and find hope in the future, or to create joy in the present? Even doing one small thing a day that resembles anything like pleasure is a goodness. It's important to self-sooth like that.

I hope this was helpful. I know I related my experiences a lot, but that is how I sometimes connect to people. Please message me if you need anything. My inbox is always open. Take care.