[Celyn]

I'm in a weird place, progress wise. In some areas, I've come on leaps and bounds, while other areas are slow or perhaps even gone backwards.

I read some of my old threads on here a while ago and cringed. I was so dramatic, but think I just wanted to be heard and to have someone validate what I was going through. I've struggled a lot with being open with my feelings. I don't seem to get it right. I might rely on one person too much, or talk to someone who isn't capable of supporting me, or I go to therapy or blog but then feel that I've compartmentalised all my feelings to therapy or blog only. However, over the last few years, I've tried to be more open with those around me. I'm also trying to be more open with a close friend too. I have no idea if it's a good idea or not, but I feel like I want to be more honest about myself. I have a tendency to hide my feelings from others, not just bad feelings but also good feelings too. I have actually regretted not acting on good feelings in the past, so I'm trying to fix that. But in general, I do feel closer to my family and close friend these days.

I feel that due to bullying and other life difficulties, I never really became my own person? I copied others to fit in or at least not get bullied, but if you asked me who my friends were, what I liked, what my interests/hobbies were, I'm not sure I would've been able to tell you. I could list what others liked and how I try to share in that, but not my own interests. But I feel like I'm starting to have a personality of my own...that in a way, I'm growing into myself? I spent so much time wondering what was wrong with me and trying to fix myself or worrying about others, I never knew who I was. But I feel like I'm starting to become more aware of who I am, what I want from life and what I want my future to look like too.

Due to my awareness, I'm also starting to learn how I don't want to be treated and what I am unhappy with. I'm also trying to stand up for others too, though it will be a long time before that can happen. But this new awareness also means that I'm starting to have more trust and faith in myself. And the best thing is, I'm not faking it, it's real (I remember in school, for work experience, a teacher checked in with us and I said I felt more confident....I tried to believe it, but really, I think I was just saying that).

I've also become more objective and critical. Not in a bad way, just more open minded and ready to question stuff, whereas before, I would just believe everything I read. I've learnt so much, both from my own reading and also my time at university...it's helped me to feel empowered too. I feel this may also show in my responses to others too. I wrote my undergrad dissertation at 21, and I cringed reading it back because I could see I was desperately trying to be impressive with using the correct terminology, despite the fact I didn't have a good grasp of the concepts. It's like I was focused on sounding good, that the quality wasn't there. Last year, I did my MA dissertation and I have so much more respect for research. This time, I didn't try to be impressive, I just threw myself into my topic and it paid off! I also feel more humble and down to earth, now that I'm not focusing on trying to fit in or be impressive and can just start to be myself more. Like you Sarah, I also tend not to care so much about what others think these days either!

I'm nothing like the person I was when I first joined here when I was 16. I'm not who I was at 18, 21, or even 25. I've changed so much in the last few years, it's shocking. Though you wouldn't know, just by looking at me. I do worry though...I wonder if this change is also bad since I've also developed or realised other difficulties that I'm not sure were present before. I don't trust others so easily, and I feel like I could easily become detached from others without caring too much. I also struggle more with some kind of existential anxiety and feel like I have a lot to make up for in a short amount of time!