[Everglow.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out for support here, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now and I'm sorry to hear that. I can definitely understand some of the emotions you've been having as I've thought similar things myself, such as "what meaning does all of this have?". Sometimes the bad and hurtful things pile up so much it's hard to see over the top of them, and all the uncertainties about life get worse, and it's overwhelming. I think your feelings are justified, and it's good that you have reached out somewhere for that.

I get what you're saying about fleeting moments of accomplishment too. It's hard to see them as meaningful when you know that they will end. But the thing to remember is, just as the good feelings pass eventually, the bad do too. The problem is that they're more often than not more intense, and the very nature of negative feelings is that they blur out the good bits that lie beyond them. Something I found really helpful was to have a go-to resource of positivity which you can turn to when you're struggling. For example, I have a book I love next to me with sticky notes attached to pages with quotes which I find motivating. You can do something similar with a box of positive memories too. Maybe get an old shoe box, decorate it so you feel you've had some input on it, and inside it you can store things which make you smile, such as photographs of your friends, letters or birthday cards from loved ones, or little notes with quotes or inspiring text on them. When you're having a rough time, this is an item you can turn to which might remind you that you've had bad times before which have passed, and that this one will too. There are lots of really good things which don't go away just because a bad thing has come along.

I'm sorry to hear about the way your parents reacted to you reaching out for help. Sometimes a lack of understanding and awareness means that they react in ways which aren't helpful and that can be really hard to deal with. I'm not sure how old you are or what the laws and restrictions are on seeking help without you parents where you live, but is there perhaps a way you could speak to someone else? If you're at school or university, maybe there is a guidance counsellor or teacher you trust who you could talk to? If not, perhaps you can speak to your GP or doctor and see if there is anything they can do to help too. If you feel comfortable trying your parents again though, maybe you can put together some resources so that they understand your thoughts and feelings right now, especially with regards to you being trans. I know this topic in particular is hard for parents todeal with, but it isn't fair that you feel worse for them not being open to things you can't help. Definitely don't feel like you have to spoon feed them - it's 100% something they should be doing research on themselves in order to support you - but if you feel like it might help, maybe write them a letter with some links or articles which will better inform them, and open up to them that way? It's hard to deal with not being supported, so I hope that somehow you find a way to receive support.

I do think that it's possible your parents bring up the self harm as a way to remind you that it isn't a productive way to heal, but of course the way this comes across isn't helpful. It's very likely that they're worried about you, and with self harm that's often justified. Nobody wants to see someone they love resort to SH, and this might just be their way of trying to help. I would recommend trying alternatives to hurting yourself though as this is often a very slippery slope into addictive behaviours which will cause more harm than they do good. Self harm can be really damaging, and you don't deserve to hurt more than you already do. If you have a look here you'll find a tonne of amazing alternatives and distractions to harmful coping mechanisms which might help. Try a few out, and don't give up if they don't help right away or all the time. Recovery from things like this takes time, but it's worth the effort! I've found them really helpful myself so I hope you do too.

I hope I've managed to help a little bit here. If you ever need anything else you're always welcome to reach out here again. I hope you're doing okay and taking care.