Thank you for your response, Jenna. I am so glad we are friends. Yes, we have talked a lot about your recovery, and it has always inspired me. I've known people who have relapses in self-harm, like me, but I feel what's different is that they get right back up. They have an incident or two and then are like, "well, time to get out of this funk." But for me it's very, very hard to stop once I'm on a roll. I usually have to be hospitalized, either in a medical or psychiatric hospital, and this time the medical hospital doesn't seem to have worked. I'm not ready to go to psych just yet but if this keeps up I know that is where I will end up. I just don't understand why I have these spirals.

It's true, distractions won't be as good as engaging in self-harm. The rubber band thing helped a bit, but I always forget about it. I liked holding ice, but that was only the one time, and I don't think I've integrated it enough in my "tool kit" to count on it as an effective distraction. I like the idea of drawing words or using red marking to simulate blood. I did the butterfly thing once and it actually did help, but, much like the rubber band, I always forget about it. I think it would be nice to draw nice comments and pictures on me, though. People may question why I have so many drawings on myself but if it keeps me from self-harm maybe it's a good thing? I don't know. As for the fifteen minutes game, it's a great skill but it's a huge challenge for me. I'll put things off for a while but eventually I give myself "permission" to act. Is there a way to hold off from doing that?

I know I am making progress. I am happy to say I can recognize that. But it's just so slow, you know? It feels like it's not good enough. It also feels like I can't keep up with other people's timeline. Like I think my parents are at the point where they can't see me have ANY relapses. I believe that's why my mother was so upset when I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago. They just can't do it anymore. Other people got sick of it, too. I mean S broke up with me while we were in the emergency room for my self-harm because she couldn't take the pressure anymore. One of the worst days of my life. I just feel like I don't have any chances left. When I do self-harm people just get so frustrated and impatient and it makes me feel worse. So I don't really feel like I get to relapse.