Hey,

There's always hope. Always. Even if you are 35, 40 or 50, there is hope. And, I think you are healing but it's slow going. The Eli of the past wouldn't have tried to use distractions before self harming. Yes, you may have self harmed but you can get to a place where you use the distractions long enough and don't cut.

I know we talk a lot about my recovery but I tried to recover over and over and kept going back to it. Like you, I did get to a point where I'd try distractions or I'd be able to go a few weeks without and then I'd get back into.

Now, if I'm being honest, distractions are never gonna work as good as self harm. I think that is one of the things that makes recovery so difficult, you know? We have this dangerous tool that feels good and 'helps' us cope with anxiety, depression etc and it's hard to turn to tools that don't feel quite as nice or help quite as well or as quickly. You have to figure out how you can get to a place where you continue using those distractions until the urge dies down.

I remember when I was first stopping I would spend hours on end in chat. I'd do the ice method, I'd write the words I wanted to cut on me, I'd play with red pen when I wanted to see blood. I played the 15 minute game constantly. I'd tell myself to hold off from cutting for xyz amount of time and then when that time expired, I'd add more. As I got into being recovered longer I would increase the time from 5 or 15 minutes to 30 minute and then an hour. When I struggle with self harm I still play this game. So many nights I feel like cutting and I'll read for 30 minutes and then if I'm still urging I'll read for another 30.

You are making progress and you are healing. I wish I could tell you how to figure out how to get to a place where you can completely stop. It's different with everyone. Explore it with your therapist.

Also, relapses are gonna happen. They're a part of recovery. The key is to keep trying and keep going despite them. Look at what happened to me... I think I'll always face relapses but my hope is that I'll go longer and longer in between. I believe that can happen for you too.