Last week I was hospitalized for a self-harm injury. The whole thing did not go as I expected; I expected to leave the emergency room Wednesday night, the same night I went to the ER, but they admitted me. Thursday morning both my mom and my dad wanted to talk to me because, of course, they don't reach out when things are fine but it's like there's this signal in their minds of when I am in trouble or something. My mom wanted to come over and have me exchange some clothes that didn't fit and give me money for the electric bill. I told her I was busy, but would be free that weekend, because from what it sounded like the doctor wanted me to go home Friday. Literally a couple of hours after I told my mom I've been busy the doctor came in and said they wanted to do surgery Friday, which meant staying at least five more days. So, when my mom texted asking what she should make me for dinner Saturday, I had to tell her the truth.

She sent me a very long text message that was very hard to read. Basically she said she doesn't think she can set anymore boundaries with me, that things are not sustainable as they are, and she doesn't know if my parents can support me any longer. She is angry that I have chosen to "obfuscate" things and not be honest. She wants me to find a program that will be effective, not just the "revolving door" of our local psych hospitals' inpatient and outpatient programs.

I think my response to her text was good. I addressed some of her concerns, talked about the new medication we are going to try, and a new program that's more tailored to people like me. I told her I haven't been jumping to SH without skills every time, and that means there is progress and I feel hopeful. I said I loved her at the end. All she texted back to all of that was "love you too."

I got out of the hospital today. I am healing fine, but I find myself not wanting to tell my mom I am home. I am very scared of what she means by "not sustainable" and "no longer support." I am financially dependent on my parents. I can't live alone if I no longer have monetary support. I have visions of them saying I need to go to a group home, or even visions of them committing me in an effort to find something that's not a "revolving door." For these reasons I am hesitant to talk to them, even though I really need mom's help with dressing changes for a wound I have not related to self-harm.

The truth is, none of us communicated well. No, I didn't intentionally "lie" or "obfuscate" what was going on in my life. When I said I was fine, I was fine. But to tell you the truth I was sick of my parents' reactions to self-harm. You'd think, after fifteen years of this crap, they'd know how to react but they don't. They've both visited me in the hospital before for SH and each time it was a very stressful situation. All they would do was express their anger, sadness, and disappointment, and heap on a nice, thick side of shame. It always makes things worse and it's not an appropriate response to have in front of me. So yeah, I decided to sidestep that so I could avoid being triggered and they could avoid feeling pain. It just seemed easier that way, especially because they always tell me that I don't get to react negatively to their feelings.

I don't know how to fix this. I know I am probably going to have to endure a lengthy conversation in which I have to try not to get upset because I'll look like the bad guy, and because my parents still treat me like I'm fifteen years old when we have arguments. I just don't get how they could be so obtuse, and how they're really so surprised why I decided not to open up every time I self-harm. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?