[Rivière]

Firstly, it's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. You're in the right place to express it, and you're not alone in how you feel either.

A good way of helping yourself in moving away from suicidal thoughts is to understand why you're feeling the way you do. Establish what it is that makes you feel suicidal - what it is that causes you to feel such a low mood that you reach a point that you think, 'I'd rather not be here'. I know that you've mentioned some of it. You said you feel toxic, ugly, useless, and so on. However, look deeper and beyond that. What exactly makes you feel toxic? What makes you feel useless? I understand that you feel like a failure when you don't behave a certain way, feel certain things etc.

You also mentioned about your friends and their behaviours and accomplishments. Could it be that this is the source of your problem? It's completely natural to compare one's self with others. Everyone does it. We use it as a measurement of progress, success, failure, and many other things. The issue is that the more you compare yourself t your friends, the more you'll end up putting yourself down and beating yourself up over everything you're doing. It's human nature to try and be somebody else but ourselves. For example, it's common for people to be thinner because they compare themselves to media and the stereotypical female look. If someone doesn't achieve the look of somebody else, it can be quite damaging. However, it's once you realise that you have no need to compare yourself to somebody else that you begin to recover. This is because unfortunately, we cannot truly be anybody else but ourselves.

Your friends may behave in a certain way, be successful in their own way, but that doesn't mean to say they don't experience the exact same thoughts and feelings as you. They may not show it. For example, during my time at university, my friends considered me an over-achiever. If I didn't get 90% on my assignments then I considered myself a failure and I'd beat myself up about how badly I'd done. I'd compare myself to my friends and how much better they did than me. The thing was, I did get good grades. Sure I got 88% rather than 90+ on some assignments, but it wasn't the end of the world. I still got great grades and came out with a first class honours degree despite having 2 learning disabilities, borderlining on ADHD, and suffering sever depression.

My point is, there's more to comparing yourself to another person. Just because they can do X or Y thing doesn't mean everything. Think about what you can do that they can't. By this I mean think of all the good things you can do, and have done, despite your situation. I understand you may think, 'I can't do anything'. I assure you that simply isn't true. Every single human being has their niche that makes them better than those around them. Sometimes it just takes time to realise it.