Thread: Triggering (Suicide): I feel stuck.
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Soda_Voxel Offline
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Exclamation I feel stuck. - January 6th 2021, 08:05 PM
This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been having intense and detailed thoughts of suicide as of late. But I've also felt the intense need to carry on, because I need to be there for those I love. I feel so conflicted. I've said it many times in many places but to me, suicide feels inevitable. It's like how some people are destined to become a singer or get married - I'm just destined to die by suicide.

But on the other hand, I do feel hope - or at least I force myself to feel hope, because people need support. I can't leave my friends like this. And, well, I guess dying isn't tremendous. In all honesty, I don't want to die - I just really hate living the life I have.

While I know that none of it is really true - I've heard it time and time again, trust me - I can't help feeling toxic, ugly, useless, helpless, untalented, stupid, and more. I feel like a failure when I don't behave a certain way, feel certain things, or enjoy certain interests. I see my friends doing cool things, going to school, being social or feeling certain ways or just impressing me in so many ways, and I feel like a failure because I can't be all of that.

I've been suicidal for quite a long time now but recently it's been awful. I've started to plan things. No dates, nothing that serious - but I imagine how i'd do it. And I'm starting to get less scared of the idea. And the fact that I'm not very scared of it anymore...scares me. I feel like I'm split in two: one part of me is innocent, young, hopeful and wants to live; but the other is violent, angry, depressed, and just wants to die in any way possible.

I feel so stuck. Every time I try to put in effort to get better, I always go back to square one so fast - be it an argument with a friend, self harming out of frustration and self-loathing, feeling hopeless and giving up, accidentally upsetting someone, executive dysfunction making me too "lazy" to put in the effort to get better......it's just so much. I want to get better. But it's just...so much effort.

I don't know what I expect to hear from typing this. I don't even know if I'm looking for support, advice, or just want to get this out of my head. I don't know anything anymore.

I'm confused, I'm hopeless, and I'm really, really scared.