[Rivière]

I've been going back and forth on making this thread... but maybe posting about it will lift the curse and end my sleepless nights.

There's a girl at the gym who started work there as a gym instructor about a few months ago. She's an old client of my assistant manager a couple of years ago before she stopped accepting clients as a personal trainer.

She and I seem to get on really well together. We have a good laugh, make jokes we both find amusing. We've helped each other out a few times. Listened to one another's personal problems and provided help or a listening ear when needed.

Sometimes she'd make flirtatious jokes with me. I'd make the occasional joke back, but all in good fun. I never take any of her jokes or behaviour as more than it is. She has a boyfriend and is off-limits.

While she and I were chatting in the staffroom about the fact the gym was shutting. She suggested I come with her to her gym, and asked if I liked eating breakfast out. Granted I was a bit confused since she lives quite a few miles away and has to get the train to get to work because she lives that far away. I was confused as to why she was asking me to come with her to her gym when I could go to another gym nearby which is much closer. Shortly after, another co-worker comes in and overhears her asking me if I'd like to go for coffee sometime. He passes a remark saying, 'Just coffee..? What's next?' He grins and then leaves.

I don't know what it was about that whole conversation and the other co-worker's reaction, but I couldn't get the situation out of my head. Maybe I'd missed something and she kept meaning more than just her jokes?... I decided to ask my assistant manager the very next day. Very awkwardly. But I preferred that to a ton of sleepless nights and 'what ifs'.

The assistant manager said that for as long as she's known her (co-worker), she's straight and is pretty sure she's not a lesbian. She said that it's likely that she (co-worker) was asking me to hang out because she sees me as a close friend and thinks the world of me, and given that I've responded well to her jokes, deems it ok to continue. She said she felt like the other co-worker added fuel to a fire that didn't even exist and that I'm overthinking the situation. I was grateful to her insight and her advice, so left things be and continued behaving as normal with the co-worker.

Granted she could be bisexual, but it doesn't matter either way because she has a boyfriend. My problem is, for the first time ever, I feel like I'm crushing/having feelings for a straight girl. I'm trying to deny it because I don't want to fall into the feelings trap. I don't want to be hurt because of the fact she's straight, and that even if she weren't... she's taken and that's it.

Since lockdown started in Wales, especially over the past few days, I can't stop thinking about her. It's just stupid daydreams of spending time with her and all sorts of things. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried Googling it. I've tried distracting myself by playing computer games, exercising, working from home, going for a walk, listening to music (this just made it worse) and just trying to force myself to think of other things. They only provide short-term relief.

I don't know how to get past her and get her out of my head. I've worked so hard to get to where I am. I can't have feelings for anybody. Especially not a co-worker.

I don't know what to do.