[NeuroBeautiful]

Yes, I usually say I am feeling so horrible to get some caring and compassion. Also, I say it so the people that hurt me on here feel horrible for how they treated me. Also, so people feel badly that I'm banned from chat. I have BPD and so its hard to explain. Even though it seems intentional because I know what I'm doing and manipulative its not. Its not intentional in the way people think of intentional in that I'm being bad, manipulative and so on. I'm not. I'm trying to get my needs met in the only way I know how or feel that I could get my needs met. Also wanting some one to feel bad for hurting me well that's the only way I know how to get that need met of wanting some one to truly know they hurt me because when I say you have hurt me it doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy me that they got they hurt me.

If its in caps and lots of sad faces it usually means I'm really upset about the situation but not major depression or anything and I'm wanting someone to validate my feeling, show me caring and compassion therefore I will exaggerate how I feel.

If I write how im feeling in a post in no caps and it seems to be well written then most likely its true what im feeling not exaggerated in any way .

LOL now you know my secret. Well its not a secret just why I do what I do.

This is manipulative behavior. It does not make you a BAD person. It makes your BEHAVIOR manipulative. Regardless of your diagnosis, regardless if it is intentional or not. If a child throws a tantrum, we don't give them what they want because they throw a fit. There is such a thing as saying "No! Absolutely not" and still understanding the situation.

I said nothing about trying hard and not trying hard. But actually, you were the one who said that on a different post. How people use the hospital for a crutch and do things for attention. I said nothing about trying.

I was talking about how you continued to talk trash about people here while simultaneously begging for support. And the fact that while you did acknowledge what I said in private message, that you then continued to post repeatedly the same exact things.Acknowledging and then saying too bad because I am helpless and needy doesn't help you get better. [EDITED] You say you are doing well just lonely. [EDITED] Because when you are feeling low, you got no time to think about how you affect others. NOW is the time. NOW is when you are doing well. THIS IS THE TIME for your commitment.

Back to the child having a tantrum scenario. It does not make sense to speak to a child about their behavior while they're in the midst of their behavior. However, you did not write in caps lock and you had no sad faces and none of that "exaggerated stuff" so now is when I am taking the opportunity.

The thing is, if you took yourself out of the situation and looked at it, you'd probably be quite critical of that person doing these things. I know this because you are quite critical of others who go to the hospital and yet you are coming here repeatedly, begging for support. How is that much different? At least in the hospital, there are professionals.

You acknowledged once privately you see my side but you saying "I can't help it" is overpowering the conversations. People might be more willing to help you express yourself than you realize. If you were not so combative. The staff are not your enemies and this is not a war.

I sense that these defenses are coming in with a mix of shame. That is what I am sensing. I specifically scanned my post previously to make sure I point out that it is your behavior and not YOU as a person. Why? Because I believe that every person can grow and improve and I do not think you are a bad person at all. You said to show compassion and empathy, and actually I believe I am already. I do not see your behavior as who you are. I tried my hardest to communicate that I am calling out behaviors. I mentioned in a previous comment that I hope you do not take it as shame and instead as a learning opportunity. [EDITED] Because you are not Do you see how I mentioned you deserve support 100%? I do not say words I do not mean. I wholeheartedly believe it. You do deserve support. And I hope you can self-validate even if no one else tells it to you.

I am letting you know that there are 3 coexisting things happening right now inside of me one is caring and understanding and actually believe it or not relatability. I can relate to your pain in a deep way. I can even relate to some of the behaviors!

And feeling helpless is such a human feeling to have. I describe it as rushing down a hill on a bicycle and the breaks aren't working and I am repeatedly trying to stop the breaks and there's people shouting "go left" and "go right" and "stop the bike you are going to crash" and it is like I know I am going to crash, I see myself standing on the sidelines watching myself about to crash and yet, helpless. That's what it feels like to be helpless and stuck in unhealthy patterns. And at the same time, I know I have grown so much since 10 years ago when I started seeking support. Growth and improving doesn't just happen to you. You need to take the action. You need to DO something differently. You need to ask people for help. It is tough work!

And the second thing that is happening is that "this behavior is extremely triggering"

[EDITED]

Now it is your turn to be brave and commit to speaking respectfully and honestly. Write it out first and then edit before posting it. If you need help editing, ask for it.

Of course you are going to have times when you go back to your habit. But it is up to you to work on creating new patterns. We as humans have neuroplasticity and we can change patterns slowly

In fact, part of why I go to therapy is to what I call "breaking intergenerational curses" which is another way of saying I am committed to improving my interpersonal relationships and other mental health things.