Dear K,
You may not remember me, but I remember you. You had been my therapist from October 2013-March 2014, ending in you calling 911 and me being hospitalized at the psych unit. Then you told me that as per my discharge plan, I had to come back to BPI outpatient clinic for a Psych Evaluation and if I hadn't that you would call the hospital and have me be readmitted into the psych unit. I stopped attending BPI and I was not re-admitted to the hospital. I remember calling the unit to ask if a therapist is allowed to do that but there was an emergency on the unit and they don't have time to re-admit discharged patients for no reasonable cause. They were so busy that they didn't even have time to explain to me that this was a ridiculous and unprofessional threat.
I would like to let you know that I am doing better than I had been when I was 18 and 19 years old at the time. But the truth is that you were one of the many therapists I had seen that were not a right fit for me and even worse were harmful to me.
The truth is I was being controlled and manipulated by my family members and my father in particular was preventing me from seeing a therapist at all. He was also very involved in having me discharged earlier than the original plan. The hospital's psychiatrist was also highly unprofessional and was harmful to me but that is another story and you have not earned the opportunity to hear anything more about my life than what is necessary. I saw your email address on your fancy website and you wrote how you have "extensive experience with issues.....TRAUMA" Maybe you have more experience than you realize. Because I was in fact one of your perhaps early experiences of trauma. BPI is a graduate center and a clinic which is confusing but I am guessing that means you were not even fully certified and look at you now, on psychology today and your own website.
Since seeing you, I continued to see various therapists IN SECRET. Meanwhile I was aiming in the dark and therapists were not being helpful. Like you, they focused primarily on symptom management such as hygiene, self harm behaviors and reducing anxiety and depression symptoms.
I remember how I would come into sessions, you would hold your nose and tell me you cannot stand "the odor". I wonder if you had known what my home situation was and whether you'd still have spoken to me with such a harsh tone. Maybe there was another way to approach the issue? It was all about "the therapeutic relationship" which you had not even explained to me what that meant. And how I was ruining it. You may not have intended it that way, but the way you presented it appeared selfish and harsh. No wonder I was shut down. How could you have not known that?
I moved out in 2018. Well, it was more of a secret escape. With your help I could have moved out so much sooner. I could have moved out in 2013! I think about it all the time and it is a loss that still hurts. Lost years...while you get more experience of traumatized clients. I just hope you can help them better than you helped me. I hope you learned from your mistakes with me.
My regret is that I did not seek out a trauma-informed therapist sooner. But I also wonder why you did not help me more effectively? The Intake Coordinator did not even stop to think that maybe I have a trauma history that involves interpersonal trauma? I remember after the hospitalization I got my Records mailed to me from BPI and it was full of "patients was non-compliant". Actually the clinical shorthand for patient "
pt was not compliant" and "
pt refuses..." I was reduced to a
pt and a dx. Not even a dx. that tells the whole story. Axis 1: "Depressive Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" under Minor Depression. That was it. Minor.
Did I not fit the typical abuse victim criteria? I was self harming, I had self hating thoughts, I was depressed and had severe anxiety (lol motor tension and hyperviligance as you called it in the reports). All you said was I had minor depression. Because what, I went to college so that made me functional? What was it? And unfortunately, you were one of the first therapists of many that were unprofessional and hurtful to me. I still attend therapy, now virtual and with a trauma-informed therapist intern. Like you, she is not full certified. She cannot know through the screen about my hygiene patterns which have significantly improved. But what stuck from our sessions is the fear that I am beyond help. I struggle to validate my own history. I struggle with my harsh critical voice and with feeling inadequate, not good enough. Unlovable. Because maybe if I were lovable you would have noticed the source of my deep pain and not ride it off as just another chemical imbalance?
After all these years, this is one of the many questions I still find left unanswered. Why so many unprofessional professionals?
Non-compliantly,
Mad-eyed V.