Hi there, Ivan. Thank you for posting. I hope we can help in some way.

You are obviously in a lot of pain and I am sorry you are experiencing this. Intense suicidal ideation is it's own brand of hell and it's terrible to experience. I dearly hope you are able to overcome this, even though it may take some time. Would you feel comfortable going into more detail about what's troubling you? Do you have a doctor or therapist/counselor you can talk to? If we have more information maybe we can provide you some resources or better insight as to how to cope with these thoughts and feelings.