Hey there. Thanks for reaching out to us on TeenHelp. I hope we are able to help in some way.

First of all, I want to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the desires and urges you are having. I know it may not seem like it, but there are plenty of AMAB (assigned male at birth) individuals who enjoy wearing "women's" clothing: panties, garters, bras, hose, etc. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean you are transgender (a person who is AMAB who is actually a woman); there are cis males who enjoy these things. But I think you may be right in that your gender identity could be under question, based on you saying if you could push a button you would choose to be a woman. Do you have friends, family, or a therapist you could talk to about these feelings? Gender identity is a big issue that's complicated to handle on one's own a lot of the time. My suggestion would be to talk to someone, even if it's here on TeenHelp, and don't rush yourself into deciding on any one gender identity. You can explore and play with it; gender is supposed to be fun! Honestly, if you want to wear pantyhose and thongs and whatnot, go for it. It helps you feel more like you and we all need that self-validation.

As for your sexuality, sexuality and romantic attraction are on a spectrum. You don't have to be 100% straight or 100% gay; in fact very few people are. To me it sounds like you may enjoy sex with at least two genders, if not more, but you feel you only enjoy romantic attraction to women. That's totally okay. It is good to know what you like, and it's okay to explore this, too. There's nothing wrong with liking penises, even if that's the anatomy you have. I think the world oftentimes tries to fit sexuality and gender in a box and that's just not how it works. Again, it's something to play with.

I am sorry you faced so much rejection. It must have felt really bad when your ex-fiancee left you because she found you wearing her panties. I can understand why she might've felt upset but I am sure it also felt like a huge blow to your self-esteem. It may have reinforced the idea that these behaviors and feelings are "bad" but they are not. I hope you don't take it to heart, and can remember that you are okay just the way you are, and there are others out there like you.

So play around with gender and sexuality, and don't necessarily settle on a label(s) right away. Take your time, and take the time to validate yourself and your experience. You matter and you are worth loving.

Take care.