[Alpine]

I'm worried, that duality seems to be increasing. I have really good weeks but still, day after day, time after time those urges are still there. Everytime I'm left alone I have a relapse, or fight like hell to control myself. But it's a losing battle, and I'm constantly being reminded that I'm no better than I was the first time. I use some tools I've gotten from counsellors, or my mother, but it's so HARD. I'm just... tired of it, and scared.

Often I wonder I'm standing up with this on my shoulders as well as all the other crap happening in my life.

My father has a duality too, one that made him a loving parent and a toxic example of everything I'm trying not to become. I had to push him out of my life this June, and he won't leave me alone since. I haven't talked to him or seen him in months, I go out of my way to not be in town when he visits, which is hard for someone without a license or really anywhere to go. But I still miss him, and it hurts to remind myself why I did what I did.

A part of me, a savage part, wants to hurt him like he's hurt me over the years, to disappear like he did for months at a time. To refuse to see anything other than my own opinion.

And he's done things I can never forgive. But I miss him.

I'm ranting, spewing words that I know aren't really connected, but it just feels so good to express it.