[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I've been in a long distance relationship with a very loving, super kind, attractive guy for the past 2 months. We had a month together in person and then I had to leave the US to go study in Ireland. We had a very good relationship until Halloween night a few days ago.

I was in a group project meeting on zoom and a guy asked us if we wanted to hang out because it was Halloween. I said yes because I haven't made an Irish friends yet and I'd talked to this guy before on zoom and he seemed nice.

I am legal to drink here, so I bought some alcohol and went over in the evening. I am a light weight. I drank too much and so did the guy that invited me. I had told the group I was with about my boyfriend but when I got drunk I think I started talking about how I was unsure if I should stay with him because it's very sad being apart from him. One of the girls encouraged me to "live life" or something and as I was getting more and more drunk, everyone started leaving and I was left alone with the guy that invited me.

I was very lonely, I tend to get sad when I'm drunk and I miss my boyfriend a lot. I was sitting close to the Irish guy and I did like that I was near another human being because I've not had many friends here and have therefore been incredibly touch starved.

Then he just kinda looked at me and kissed me. I didn't really want to be kissing him, but I was also incredibly drunk and my thoughts weren't functioning right. I felt warm and I liked being held, so I just let him do what he wanted.

I really don't remember how I got here, but the next thing I was in this guy's room. He took his shirt off and somewhere in my brain, I thought that what was happening was supposed to happen so I took my shirt off too. I kept calling this guy my boyfriend's name, but he was super drunk too, and he didn't seem to notice.

He kept making out with me, I didn't do anything to stop him. Then he tried to take off my underwear. I didn't want that. I told him no, I think, but also I was really drunk, so I'm not sure if that made it to words. I know I kept my underwear on, I kept pulling it back up.

At some point I remember lying there and this guy was fingering me, I didn't like it so I just was limp and stared at the ceiling.

We also talked and were physically close to each other, cuddling I guess, but that word makes it feel wrong. I hate to admit that I enjoyed being close to him. I've been very very lonely here and I really wanted to have human contact. I want my boyfriend so badly, but I couldn't have him.

He also kept trying to make out with me and I would just lie there, let it happen for a bit and then push him away because my brain kept saying "don't be rude."

I woke up the next morning and got my stuff and left. I called my boyfriend and told him what happened and he wasn't thrilled. He said that he feels for me on a personal level but he was very upset that I had been ok with the first part.

The day after was the worst day of my life. I thought that I had lost the first guy that I've really loved by letting myself given into to desires while I was drunk. I blame myself still, I really shouldn't have gone out drinking, I shouldn't have told those people that I was struggling to find reason to stay in Ireland and all.

This isn't some cut and dry sexual assault situation and that's what makes it so awful. I simply can't take no fault in the situation, but I didn't try to put myself in the situation that I wound up in. Certainly, if I had just cuddled with another man, called my boyfriend and been guilty about that, he wouldn't be so hurt, he wouldn't be considering breaking up with me. But he is so hurt because I just let this guy make out with me and enjoyed an aspect of that.

And I can't even bring myself to hate the guy. He was incredibly drunk as well and regretted his actions greatly the next morning, he texted me. I can't help but imagine what it feels like to know you hurt someone like how he hurt me and have to live with that.

I just really want my boyfriend to be ok because I really need him right now. I had had plans to go back home and see him in less than two weeks and I am just praying that he won't cancel, even though he is really hurt, because I really just want a hug right now.

I feel like a lot of people will hate my boyfriend and the other guy when reading this, but just don't. They are both people, very hurt by what happened too. None of us wanted this.[/size][/color][/font]