I want to say, first of all, that I am very sorry you went through this. It is never right to lay hands on someone (non-consensually), and I am sorry you had such a terrifying experience. Yes, it sounds like you may have been traumatized by what happened. Having flashbacks is a common sign of traumatization. So is trying to sort your (understandably) mixed emotions and trying to justify them. Having to live with that day in and day out can be very difficult and I am sorry you're having to deal with that.

What happened was wrong, and you did not deserve that. You were not being disciplined; you were assaulted. I know those words are hard to hear (or read, rather), but it's important to call what happened for what it is. I want to stress, again, you did NOT deserve this, and you are not a bad person for having experienced it. Your feelings you have about it, whatever they may be, are valid. You may be hurt, or angry, or sad, or afraid, and that makes sense. I hope you can find a safe way to process them, whether it's by talking to someone or using outlets like sports and exercise or crafting, etc.

If you haven't already I would seriously recommend trying to see a therapist, especially one who specializes in PTSD or trauma. They're familiar with this type situation and can best guide you through it and help you process the experience safely, without the risk of self-destruction or self-harm. If there's a local domestic violence shelter near you you may be able to get some resources through them. There also might be some support groups you can, either in person or online. TeenHelp is a great place to start.

I hope this helped. Remember, you are worth loving, and you deserve to be safe. PM me if you need anything.