[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I can only imagine how overwhelming this has been for you.

I completely agree with Eli that what you've had to go through after the 5th time was NOT consensual sex. It almost seems like your boyfriend didn't care about your response at all and was more concerned with pleasuring himself through you. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this; this is highly inappropriate and in my opinion, nothing short of rape.

If he was truly sorry for hurting you, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. You were very clearly not enjoying the sex, but rather, were experiencing much pain in the process. If he couldn't see this, he was not being considerate about you at all.

This happened a year ago and you seem to have broken up with him, which is great. There are far better men out there who truly respect a woman's verbal consent before initiating sex.

It might help to find some support groups in your area; there are many out there for individuals who have suffered sexual assault/rape. It would also definitely help meeting a therapist. I think the best course of action for now would be to focus on healing yourself from all these traumatic incidents, related to both your boyfriend from one year ago and the other one that happened many years ago. Don't worry about finding another man; that will happen when it has to. If the trauma from these incidents remains unresolved, it might create further uncomfortable situations in later relationships. Once you've come to better terms with them, it would be easier for you to date men and be more comfortable with intimacy.

Take care, and don't hesitate to DM me if you'd like to chat about anything at all. Remember that you're not alone, your story is shared by hundreds around the world; there are many strong people like you fighting to overcome the scars of sexual trauma, and it is possible to put it behind with sufficient therapy and start afresh