[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I realized almost a year after the event that I think I was raped. Seeking outside advice regarding this. I don't have very many people I can ask about these kinds of things.

Major TW for below content, disturbing details regarding the potential assault are below. Please take care and close this tab if these sorts of things trigger you.




At the time this happened, I was dealing with unresolved trauma from a rape that took place years ago. My at the time boyfriend knew this. I mention that I was dealing with unresolved trauma regarding a previous rape because this did affect my ability to be able to verbally say 'no'...I would have a freeze response at times regarding these things.
We had consensual sex a few times...it was never pleasurable, always very painful. I enthusiastically consented 4 times or so but by the 5th time and afterwards, I did not want to do it anymore. He never asked if I wanted to have sex, but would just sort of initiate it without asking. I never said no, but never said yes either...I'd be receptive to the acts prior to sex but once the actual deed would start I'd be completely limp and silent, making faces of pain because it was very painful. Obviously, nonverbally not into it.
At one point during one occasion he looked at me, said "I'm sorry I'm hurting you" but kept going.
I also remember one time he pushed my head down there and I fought against him slightly, moving my head back against his hand...and this happened for a few seconds long, it wasn't a very quick thing.

The last time it happened, I realllllly did not want to have sex. It was initiated by the same wordless actions as before, but at one point I flopped down and started crying a bit saying I didn't want to do it anymore. He asked if I wanted to continue at this and I said "fine! just do what you want!" in an exasperated tone while holding my arms across my body tightly and he stared at me for a few seconds and grabbed my legs, forcing them apart (I was flexing my legs tight together), and just did it while I was limp and silent, again showing faces of pain.

I felt traumatized by this all. This was a year ago and I still a bit messed up about it. Still don't quite know what to make of it.[/size][/color][/font]