[Uhmsir]

I've been talking to this guy online recently who is really amazing. Unfortunately we live a long distance away from each other but I still somehow feel really connected to him. It feels like if we met in person, we would just click immediately because we have so many values in common and mesh together so well. We've been internet friends for a few years now but have just started really getting to know each other recently. Now, for the past few weeks, we text each other throughout the whole day (off and on). He responds to me really well (something that's really important to me) and seems like a super caring and thoughtful person. I normally don't really love texting for long periods of time, but with him, it's fun.

We talked on the phone for the first time with each other nearly one week ago, and we both admitted that we were really nervous. We talked for a few hours and it felt really easy and fun. We've talked a few times since and I've felt happy each time. The biggest problem is that beyond reading into his actions, I don't know how he feels about me. And I'm struggling to know how I feel about him.

Due to mental illness and some pain/trauma that I have, I'm finding myself feeling more and more numb and confused about how I feel about him. I talked to my therapist about this numbness, and she thinks that I begin to unknowingly numb my feelings when I'm scared, especially when I'm really longing for something. This sucks, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I think I really want him, and I want to be closer and more intimate with him. But because I've been through a lot of pain regarding intimacy and vulnerability, when I begin to think about those things being a possibility, I begin to feel numb and confused. Us only getting to know each other through technology seems to add to this confusion and numbness. So, as of right now, telling him that I like him feels wrong because I can't really completely feel it within myself.

I think if he were to be more vulnerable with me (maybe letting me know how he feels or affirming me in some way) maybe some of that fear and numbness would go away and I would be able to better understand how I feel about him. I think I really like him and if that fear were gone, then I would be able to feel that. But asking him how he feels without telling him where I'm at feels wrong.

I don't want to feel numb anymore, and I don't want to lose him. I feel like if things don't progress in some way, we might just drift apart. I think he likes me, and I think he is really scared to be vulnerable too, which doesn't make any of this easier. Any advice on how to deal with this? I just want to move forward and believe that I really do like him (behind all the numbness). I just don't know how to get through this right now.