[Proud90sKid]

Hey. I haven't been here in a while, but long story short- I was drinking 12-15 beers a day and last year also started taking benzos everyday without being supervised by a doctor. I have worked so hard to taper the benzos and got myself down to where I was nearly off of it. It has really been a painful process. Benzos dependency feels so subtle and yet can be so hard to get off of.

I have drank this much for years. However, last week I randomly threw up both fresh and digested blood. I went to the clinic and they told me to go to the ER. I didn't, but I did stop drinking immediately by taking "full' doses of diazepam(a benzo) several times a day and- several days in a row in order to stop the alcohol withdrawal. I have since tried to return to my original taper dose (really hoping I didnt mess up my taper..) but it has been difficult - Im randomly getting intense rushes of anxiety and adrenaline. I am not even used to going a day without alcohol but I have gone a week. Each day feels so incredibly long and everything feels so different. I crave a drink but because I know that could be dangerous as I don't even know why I vomited blood- I am struggling to not take more of the benzos but I know that could ruin my taper.

I am using medical marijuana and it is helping some- but my brain is really craving something GABA-stimulating like alcohol, valium, or xanax. There are times when the marijuana is not helping and I am dealing with strong cravings to take pills or drink.