[Tigereyes]

Still in bed. Can already tell today is no better.

For days, it has felt like my brain is going to explode. It's so painful that today, I hope it does just explode. Then I could get relief from this migraine at least.

Things get even worse. They won't stop fucking interrogating me. I just tried to not fucking die of COVID at work. Guess I should've just killed myself. Maybe I will. What other options do I have at this point? My entire life is a fucking mess. There's no way out. No hope. No relief. No support. No where to go. I can't go on likke this. I don't want to. I'm trying so hard to stay alive each day, and I don't even know why anymore. All I know is that this isn't working out. I'm at the end of my rope. I just want this to end. I don't care if it resolves or if I die. Just fucking end it already!

I wish this wasn't my life.

I will end it myself if I have to. I'm out of options. As soon as I find an effective out, I'm taking it.

Why did I stay alive so long... for this?
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Why is everything so heavy?
Is there anybody out there?
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple; sometimes goodbye's the only way.
In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Music is all I have for support. It's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Because I need to and want to actually change my life, but I'm powerless. Powerless. That's why I got addicted to self harm and substances. Because it was my only way to control anything. Everything going wrong outside my control. My only comfort. I'm powerless. Not over substances. Over my life. The addictions have always been a symptom of trauma and being powerless. Not something wrong with me. Not inherently evil. A way to survive. But I'm not supposed to cling to them. So how do I hold on? I don't.

Too sick to eat. At least it saves money.

Who will care if I'm not here? If suddenly I disappeared..

I really want today to end, but I really hope tomorrow never comes.