[NeuroBeautiful]

I am sometimes confused whether I have Complex, Chronic or Acute PTSD, or perhaps a hybrid of all 3 interlayed. I've been watching videos on YouTube this morning on how to heal from ptsd. There were 2 main sides, one says talking in a safe trusting space about the traumatic event and making sense of and honoring your story abd then integrating it in a way that feels right whwther writing a memoir or going into a helping profession or starting a group etc is how one heals. This resonates strongly with me. Though I'm not at the final stage of integrating it, I noticed my self trying to make sense of things. Anyway, the other side says talking retraumatizing, and because the body keeps the score (often a reference to the book) that EMDR, yoga, meditation, and reiki are better options. In my experience, art making is acceptable in the minds of these professionals as long as it is treated as a hobby or it does not get too heavy.

My therapist who is supposedly a trauma therapist often pushes for the latter. I am expressive and write and make art without prompting. She doesn't discourage me from art making or writing but she doesn't know how to nurture it in the way I need nor does she make space for processing memories if I need it. We have done internal family system/Part work but only twice out of a year and a half long working with her, we semi touched on memory through Parts work. But even then both were not continued even though I emailed her asking to please not give up on me just because I had a strong reaction.

I WANT to process through expressing. I need guidance and writing or art prompts that help me reflect. Instead she gives me prompts to imagine I'm a creature in the sky/water/earth or something imaginative and I'm sure can be fun but not at all what I'm looking for.

I'm often told I put too much pressure on myself and I'm questioned why wanting to work on something is important to me. I told her I am trying to get to the next step in recovery and she her response is "who said recovery has steps?" This makes me feel she isn't equipped to help me because she can't see the end and I can't either so I need her to help me see the future.

Similarly, I tell her about my emotional deregulation, uncontrollable crying spells, shaking, panic, poor sleep. Her response is to focus on the fact that I managed to self soothe. She asks how I felt after and I tell her alone and isolated because there was no one there to talk to. She disregards that part and says good job to the self soothing part. I again try to make known that I can barely hang on any longer. I tell ger there are 2 forces. One is to go go go and function and the other is caught up in heavy dark and deep pain. She rambles about pain and functioning coexisting then apologizes for rambling.

I am frustrated. I am tired. I don't know what my next step is. Besides looking for a new therapist yet again. What if I outgrow every therapist before them being able to help me?